



C 89643 



BILLY'S BUNGALOW 



COMEDY 



ELEANOR MAUD CRANE 





Class Jrb fcas 

Book 2MLl3^<?5 

Copyright N" 



COPYRIGHT DEPOSITS 



J ^v r^ /^y 



BILLY'S BUNGALOW 



51 Cometip in €^ut 5lct^ and <©ne J>cene 



• BY 

ELEANOR MAUD CRANE 

AUTHOR OF "JUST FOR FUN," "MEN, MAIDS AND MATCHMAKERS,** 

"A PAIR OF IDIOTS," "A REGULAR FLIRT," "WHEN A MAN'S 

SINGLE," " NEXT DOOR," " A LITTLE SAVAGE," " IN THE FERRY 

HOUSE," "THE BACHELOR MAID'S REUNION," " YE VILLAGE 

SKEWL OF LONG AGO," "THE RAINBOW KIMONA, ETC. 



Copyright, 1910, by Eleanor Maud Crane 



NEW YORK 
DICK & FITZGERALD 

18 ANN STREET 



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BILLY'S BUNGALOW. 

CHARACTERS. 

Biivi^Y MiDDLETON Builder of the Bungalow. 

Peggy Middleton Billy's Wife. 

Coi.. George Varker From Washington. 

Miss Laura CauIvDwei.1, The Unexpected Guest. 

Miss Dorothy French Peggy's Sister. 

Miss Kitty Campbeli. Not •' out ''yet. 

Theodore Thurston A Friend of Billy's. 

Gordon Middi^eton Fresh from College. 

The Hon. Francis Fairweather SpauIvDing, 

Engaged to Miss French. 

Time. — The present. 

PivACE. — Cedar Island. Season. — Summer. 

Time of Pi^aying. — Two hours. 



(gCLD 17924 

TMP92-008957 



I 



Billy's Bungalow. 



SYNOPSIS OF INCIDENTS. 

Act I. — In the course of which the audience becomes ac- 
quainted with the members of the house-party forming at 
the Bungalow. The Colonel is treated to a shower-bath. 
The arrival of the uninvited guest. Dorothy announces her 
engagement. " How figures can lie." The Bungalow is 
christened. 

Act. II. — The next morning. The discovery of the de- 
parture of the servants with the only boat. Gordon decides 
to get breakfast. Francis decides to milk the cow. The 
Colonel makes coffee. Teddy makes an omelette. Kitty 
makes trouble. Miss Cauldwell makes herself scarce. The 
landing of the fish. 

Act. III. — The end of the week. Kitty makes a kite. 
The Sound Steamer passes by. The stolen dinner. " He 
needed strength." The Hon. Francis in a new light. " How 
do you kill a cow ? " A fishing-smack. England, the United 
States, and " Billy's Bungalow." 



COSTUMES. 



Billy Middleton. Act I. — White flannels. Act II. — > 
Blue outing-shirt, serge trousers, tan shoes. Act III. — 
Light summer suit. 

Peggy. Act I. — Pretty summer afternoon dress. Act 
II. — White muslin gown very simply made. Act III. — 
Semi-evening gown. 

Col. Varker. Act I. — Grey suit, hat, gloves. Act II. — 
Kliaki uniform or hunting costume. Act HI. — White ducks. 

Miss Cauldwell. Act I. — Travelling-gown, hat, gloves, 
veil, small hand-bag, lorgnette. Act II. — Simple morning- 
dress. Act III. — Dressy afternoon costume. 

Dorothy French. Act. I — Pretty travelling-dress, hat, 
gloves, veil, umbrella. Act IT. — Attractive morning-dress 
or shirt-waist suit. Act III. — Dainty afternoon costume. 

Kitty Campbell. Act I. — Travelling-suit, hat, gloves. 
Act TI. — Girlish morning dress or sailor costume. Act 
HI. — Pretty afternoon dress. 

Theodore Thurston. Acts I. and II. — Blue serge suit, 
straw hat, grip. Act. III. — Long ulster or light overcoat. 
White flannels. 



4 Billy's Bungalow. 

Gordon Middleton. Act I. — Travelling-suit, hat, grip, 
tennis-racket, mandolin. Act II. — Outing shirt, grey trous- 
ers, nobby tie, tennis shoes. Act III. — White ducks. 

The Hon. Francis Spaulding. The latest faddish exag- 
geration of prevailing English fashion. 



PROPERTIES. 

Act I. — Stage properties as per scene-plot at head of Act. 
Fishing-tackle, telegram, cigarettes, box of matches for 
Billy. Step-ladder, watering-pot, extra coat (for Peggy to 
offer Colonel), decanter, seltzer, sugar, spoon, small glass, 
box of pills on cellarette for Peggy. Lorgnette, wraps, 
small hand-bag, quarter in purse for Miss Cauldwell. Grip, 
bag, steamer-rug strapped up for Colonel. Umbrella for 
Dorothy. Time-table for Teddy. Bottle of beer in cellar- 
ette. Grips, fishing-rods, tennis-rackets, etc., for men to 
enter with. Note-book and pencil for Francis. 

Act II. — Letter for Peggy, apron (for her to give Gor- 
don), china water-pitcher. Percolator or coffee urn, jar of 
coffee, cigar, matches, large fish for Colonel. Chafing-dish, 
bottle of alcohol, matches, bowl of eggs, for Teddy. Package 
of rice, sauce-pan, armful of wood for Billy. Three-legged 
stool for Kitty. Tray, dishes, platter for Dorothy. Bread- 
knife, six loaves of bread in box for Gordon. Jar of cold- 
cream for Francis. Cups and saucers by percolator. Dust- 
pan, broom, for Billy. 

Act III. — Large kite, ball of twine, shears, for Kitty. 
Small oil-skin bag for Francis. Screen for Kitty and Gor- 
don to hide behind. Book for Miss Cauldwell. Fishing- 
rod, flask, for ColOxYEL. Lantern, ulster, for Teddy. Cigar, 
matches, for Billy. Vegetable-dish for Peggy. Pistol for 
Gordon. 



STAGE DIRECTIONS. 

As seen by a performer on the stage, facing the audience, 
R. means right-hand; l. left-hand; c. center of the stage; 
r. c. right of center; l, c. left of center; up, toward rear of 
stage; down, toward the footlights; u. r.. entrance up right; 
U Lv entrance up left ; d. r., down right ; d. l., down left. 



BILLY'S BUNGALOW. 
*^ 

ACT I. 

SCENE. — Dining-room in the Bungalow. Doors u. R. and 
u. L. Rugs down. Walls decorated with sporting and 
hunting pictures, flags, aritlers or deer-head. Window 
draped with madras curtains, L. Cellarette down R. con- 
taining decanters of wine, hrandy, bottles of seltzer, and 
beer, small glasses, silver sugar-hoiul, spoon, box of 
quinine-pills. Rubber-plant or pahn, small watering- 
pot, u. L. Dresser or china-cabinet R. c. containing cups 
and saucers, platters, dishes, china and glass pitchers. 
Small dining-table with folding-leaves rear c. Fernery 
in center of table, books and magazines scattered about. 
Chair with arms down r. Two or three straight-bach 
chairs. Step-ladder down r. Time, late summer after- 
noon. Lights up. 

Billy Middleton is DISCOVEEED seated down l. whis- 
tling as he overhauls fishing-tackle. 

ENTER Peggy u. l. 

Peggy {standing in doorway and looking about room ap- 
provingly). It's simply perfect, Billy. Just the dearest, 
sweetest, most beautifullest place in the whole wide world, 
and I love it. 

Billy {looking around critically). Of course it can't 
compare with Block Island, but 

Peggy {indignantly). Block Island. As if there was a 
corner of Block Island half so fascinating as this little 
Bungalow. {Sitting on the arm of Jack's chair.) You old 
fraud. You know well enough you agree with me. 

Billy {winding fish-line). Well, I admit, it is a cozy little 
shanty. 

5 



6 Billyhs Bungalow. 

Peggy (rising). Shanty, indeed! (Goes up step-ladder to 
straighten picture) But, just as you say. (Sighs) I think 
we can manage to exist for a couple of weeks in this dis- 
graceful hovel. (Moves picture a couple of inches, then 
looks at it with her head on one side) 

Billy (rising and going to foot of ladder). Peggy, you 
goose. 

Peggy (looking down). Billy, I'm so happy I could cry. 

Billy (laughingly). Cry baby, cry 

Peggy (in feigned indignation). If you dare to call me 
names, I shall descend and annihilate you. 

Billy (extending his arms). Come on. I await my doom. 
(Pauses.) What's the matter? Aren't you coming? 

Peggy. No. I have decided to stand upon my dignity. 
(Billy grasps sides of ladder) Billy Middleton, if you 
shake this ladder, I'll scream " Bloody Murder." 

Billy. Then come down. I am waiting to be annihilated. 
How long do you expect to stay up there anyway? 

Peggy (turning to picture). Until I get this picture prop- 
erly hung. 

Billy (impatiently). Oh, picture be hanged. 

Peggy. That's just what I say. (Billy goes a step or 
two up ladder) Billy, don't come up, don't. Just look at 
your hands. You ridiculous boy. (Billy tries to emhrace 
her) Suppose Bridget should come in. (Evades emhrace) 

Billy. Bother Bridget! 

Peggy. I dassen't. I'm scared to death at the sight of 
her. (Sits on top of ladder) Billy, I wonder what she 
thinks of us anyway. 

Billy. My dear child, I don't suppose she condescends to 
honor us with a thought. 

Peggy (trying to arrange Billy's hair to her satisfaction, 
then looking at him, draruing hack to get a hetter effect). 
Well, I wasn't going to have her think I was a silly flibberty- 
gibbet, so this morning I mentioned sort of casually that 
we'd been married three months. 

Billy. Bully for you! Was she properly impressed? 

Peggy (sighing). She replied scornfully, "I thought ez 
much. I kin always spot 'em." 

Billy. Don't you care. Peg. She can cook like a dream 
if she hasn't an ounce of sentiment. 

Peggy. She asked me M'here the 'phone was and when I 
explained that our chief object in building the Bungalow 
was to get as far as possible from all that sort of thing, she 
snorted : " Hem, all fools are not dead yit." 



Billyhs Bungalow. 7 

Billy {going hacJc to tackle). She's a bird. But all the 
same I think we're dead in luck. She's warranted not to 
rip, tear, or run down at the heel and Mike is as steady as 
they come. Handles the oars better than I can. Rowed the 
Colonel over from the Point in half an hour. Half an hour! 
Can you beat it? 

Peggy (coming down from ladder). Billy! The Colonel 
here? And you never told me. Where is he? 

Billy. Getting the lay of the land. 

Peggy. The water you mean. (Shuts up ladder.) 

Billy (taking ladder from her and talking as he puts it 
away). That's what fetches him. Just wait till you see 
the kit he's brought. Ready to land anything from a 
Stingeree to a sea-serpent. 

Peggy (arranging hooks and ornaments on table). Isn't 
it time for Mike to go for the girls? 

Billy (putting up tackle). He's gone. And as soon as he 
gets back, I'll row over for the men. It's a beastly shame 
about the sloop. If Withers had only kept his word, we 
could both have sailed over to the Point for them and all 
come back together. 

Peggy. When does he say she'll be ready? 

Billy. Saturday. Then we'll have some sport. I . tell 
you, Peggy, we'll have the jolliest little house-party you ever 
saw. 

Peggy. Won't it be fun. We've got just the right people 
together. I was so afraid Dot would disappoint me and I'm 
crazy for her to meet Stanley Seaman. 

Billy (slapping his pockets). By George, Peggy, I clean 
forgot to tell you I had a telegram from Stanley this morn- 
ing. Found it waiting for me at the Point. (Takes tele- 
gram from pocket.) 

Peggy (putting her hands behind her and backing away 
from Billy). Don't tell me he isn't coming. 

Billy (pocketing telegram). All right, I won't. But he 
sailed yesterday on the Lucania. 

Peggy (in dismay). Billy! 

Billy. Peggy! 

Peggy. What are we going to do ? That just spoils every- 
thing. 

Billy (cheerfully). Not a bit of it. I knew you'd feel cut 
up, so I stopped at the Golf Club and called up Teddy 
Thurston. 

Peggy. Billy, you didn't? 

Billy. Sure I did. 



8 Billyhs Bungalow. 

Peggy. And he's coming? 

Billy. Sure, he's coming. 

Peggy. Did you tell him Dot would be here? 

Billy. You bet your boots I didn't. Give me credit for 
a little tact. 

Peggy (shaking her head at him). Tact. My dear boy, 
you are the blunderingest old idiot that ever lived. Dot will 
rend you limb from limb. 

Billy. Nonsense. Now you just let me manage this and 
I'll show you a thing or two. 

Peggy. But you don't understand. 

Billy. I know they're both so desperately in love with 
each other that they can't see straight. 

Peggy. Are you aware of the fact that Dot jilted him? 

Billy. I am, and it served him right. Any man who's 
afraid of the girl he's in love with — (seats himself R.) 

Peggy (archly). Look out! Look out! 

Billy. Do you mean to insinuate that / was ever afraid 
of you? 

Peggy. Of course you were. Scared stiff. (Leans over 
his chair-hach.) 

Billy. Not a bit of it. I didn't propose to you sooner 
because — (Takes cigarette from pocket. Strikes match.) 
May I? 

Peggy. Because why? 

Billy (lighting cigarette). Because I wanted to find out 
something first. 

Peggy. What did you want to find out? (Seats herself 
on the arm of his chair.) 

Billy (throwing match into scrap-hasket). But as for 
Dot and Thurston 

Peggy. What did you want to find out? 

Billy (crossing his knees and puffing smoke carelessly 
toward ceiling). I shall make it my business to see that 
they put an end to all their nonsense. 

Peggy (taking cigarette from him and holding it out of 
his reach). What did you want to find out? What did you 
want to find out? What did you want to find out? 

Billy (looking at her seriously). Are you sure you want 
to know? 

Peggy. I certainly am. 

Billy. And you won't breathe a word of it to a living 
soul? 

Peggy. Hope to die if I do. 



Billy's Bungalow. $ 

Billy (risirig). And you won't hold it against me? 

Peggy (reluctantly). No-o-o-o. 

EEADY Col. Varker to enter u. l. 

Billy (edging toward door). Well, — just to find out — if 
the — back of — your little neck was really — made of rubber. 

[EXIT Billy, hastily, u. l. 

Peggy (rushing to door after him). You wretch! You'll 
pay for this. I'll get even with you. (Stops at door. Billy 
can he heard whistling off stage. She catches up watering- 
pot from the floor beside flower-stand. Calls sweetly) Billy, 
Billy, come here a minute. I want to speak to you. (Whis- 
tling stops. Footsteps heard approaching. Peggy raises 
watering-pot.) 

ENTER Col. Varker, u. l., to catch a lively shower. 

Colonel (starting hach in dismay). Bless my soul! 
Why — why — what on earth 

Peggy (dropping watering-pot and clasping her hands in 
dismay). Oh, Colonel Varker, I'm sorry! I — I thought 
you were Billy. 

Col. (trying to hrush off water with his handkerchief). 
And what has Billy done to deserve such a wet blanket? 

Peggy (trying to help him hrush off water and touching 
his coat-sleeve). You poor thing. You are simply drenched. 
Hadn't you better change your coat? 

Col. That's all right, Mrs. Middleton. Don't you bother. 
Do me good. Nothing like a shower-bath to — to — to. Ex- 
cuse me. (Sneezes) Achoo! 

Peggy (remorsefully). There you go catching cold. Oh, 
won't you take off that wet coat ? Just to please me ? 

Col. Why — why, when you put it that way. Achoo! 
A-a-achoo. 

Peggy. I do put it that way. And please don't wait. 

Col. (starting toward door. Then stopping). But, by 
George. I can't. My grip 

Peggy. Didn't Mike bring it up? Then you must borrow 
something of Billy's. 

Col. But my dear Mrs. Middleton. 

Peggy. You must. Of course they won't exactly fit, 

[EXIT Peggy u. r. 

Col. Don't — don't mind. This will soon dry. Achoo! 
Achoo ! 

Peggy (re-entering u. r., carrying man's coat). There. 
That's the biggest thing I could find. (Helps Col. into 



lo Billy's Bungalow. 

white coat). And now you must let me get you some quinine 
and whiskey. 

Col. No, no. I couldn't. Really. 

Peggy. I insist. Billy always takes it. That is, of course 
when it's necessary. 

Col. But — I couldn't. Never did in my life. Never. 

Peggy. Neither did I till Billy made me one day. It 
went straight to my head, but it did break up the cold. It's 
wonderful. (Goes to cellarette) 

Col. Never tasted the beastly stuff. 

Peggy. See, I'll give you just one spoonful — a little 
one — and lots of water — ^so. (Fills glass) Oh, yes, I'll 
put in some sugar too. (Tahes glass to Col.) Really it's 
not so bad if you shut your eyes and swallow it down fast. 

CoL. Bless you, it's not the whiskey I'm objecting to, it's 
the quinine. Never took a pill in my life. Sticks in your 
throat. Chokes you. 

Peggy (eagerly). Oh, no it doesn't. Not a bit. You put 
it under your tongue — so (taJces pill), and then you take the 
whiskey down after it quick. This way and — (swallows pill, 
gulps down whiskey, gasps and makes a face, shudders) there 
you are! 

Col. (taking glass from her). And there you are — yes, 
but — but — where am I? (Looks into empty glass) 

Peggy (horrified). Oh, oh, how perfectly horrid of me. 
I didn't mean to take it. Really I didn't. What shall I do? 
Why — why, what will Billy say? 

Col. Don't tell him. 

Peggy. But I'll have to. He, he'll smell it in my breath. 

Col. Couldn't possibly. I don't. 

Peggy. But Billy would. 

Col. Nonsense. I can smell whiskey as far off as any 
man. Farther than most. But — (sniffs). No — you're safe. 
Quite safe. 

Peggy (twisting her handkerchief). But — but when he 
kisses me 

CoL. Kisses you? 

Peggy (nodding). Um — um. 

CoL. Are you going away? 

Peggy. No, of course not — only- 



CoL. By George, I clean forgot. Bride and groom. How 
long have you been married? 

Peggy. Three months. 

CoL. (thoughtfully). Three months. Billy Middleton 
married three months and still kisses his wife. Most of 



Billy's Bungalow. tX 

them are kissing some other man's wife by that time. 

Peggy {turning angrily from him). Colonel Varker! 
How perfectly horrid. 

Col. There, there, I'm not saying Billy would. Fact is — 
know he wouldn't. Married women never were his forte. 
Now — now if you were single. George, if you were a single 
girl! 

Peggy (turning furiously to Col.). Do you mean to say 
that Billy would kiss a single girl now— if he had the 
opportunity ? 

EEADY Billy to enter u. l. 

Col. Never knew him to fail. Hadn't an opportunity- 
made one. 

Peggy (furiously). I don't believe it. I don't believe 
Billy ever kissed any girl but me in his life. He — ^he told 
me he didn't. 

Col. Told you— Billy told you that— by George, that's 
rich. That's too good to keep. Wait till the boys hear it. 
Billy Middleton — (Laughs) 

Peggy (clinching her fists). How dare you laugh like 
that? How dare you? 

ENTEK Billy u. l. 

Billy (looking from Peggy to the Col. in amazement). 
Why — why, what the mischief, — , 

Peggy (hursting into tears). Billy, he— he's perfectly 
hor — hor — horrid. He — he said 

Billy (putting his hand on Peggy's shoulder). What, 
Peggy ? 

Peggy. He — he — said you — wouldn't kiss a married 
woman. 

Billy. Wliat nonsense. Of course I would. I mean of 
course I wouldn't. 

Peggy. And — and that if I were single you'd — you'd kiss 
me quick enough. 

Billy. I'd like to know who wouldn't — if they had half 
a chance. 

HEADY Miss Cauldwell to enter u. l. 

Peggy (wiping her eyes). But you don't understand. He 
— he said that even if — I mean though you were married to 
me — you'd kiss me if I were a single girl. 

Billy (laughingly). Peggy. How could you be married 
and single at the same time? 

Peggy (rising and turning to Billy with flashing eyes). 



la Billy's Bungalow* 

Oh, you — you're trying to laugh it off, but you know well 
enough what he means and — and — so do I. And — and 
what's more I — I believe it all and — and — I don't care. 

Billy (catching her by the arm). Peggy, listen to me — 

Peggy. I tell you I don't care. You can kiss whom you 
please. But you shall never kiss me again — never. Never. 

[EXIT Peggy u. r. 

Billy (angrily to Gol.). What in thunder did you get me 
into this for? Haven't you any gumption? 

[EXIT Billy after Peggy. 

Col. (mopping his hrow and looking around in amaze- 
ment). By George, tornadoes, cyclones. Achoo! Achoo! 
Where's that whiskey? (Goes to cellarette. Takes a drinh) 

ENTER Miss Cauldwell u. l. 

Miss Cauldwell. Peggy! Peggy! Where in the world 
is Peggy? 

Col. (shortly). Hanged if I know. 

[READY Peggy to enter u. r. 

Miss C. (looking at Col. severely through her lorgnette). 
Don't be impertinent or I shall report you. 

Col. (looking at Miss Cauldwell in surprise). I beg 
your pardon. (Goes toward door) 

Miss C. That's better. Wait a minute, my man. I want 
you to go to the landing and fetch the three grips you'll find 
there. 

CoL. But madam — (Miss C. glares at him again through 
lorgnette. Col. meekly). Ye-es-es, madam. Certainly 
ma'am. Did — did you say three grips? 

Miss C. Yes. They are not large ones. Where's my 
purse? (Looks through small hand-hag) Oh, here. (Takes 
out quarter) 

Col. (hacking away). That — that's all right, madam. 

Miss C. Miss, if you please. You must take it. I always 
tip no matter what the rules are. And for goodness sake 
don't stand gaping at me. I hate to be gaped at. Make 
haste. 

Col. (flushing red, catching up hat). Yes, ma'am. Miss 
— ma'am, miss — ^ma'am. 

[EXIT Col. u. l. 
ENTER Peggy u. r. 

Peggy (starting when she sees Miss Cauldwell). Wliy — 
why — Cousin Laura — you ? 

Miss C. (embracing Peggy). My dear child, your mother 



Billy's Bungalow. 13 

told me of your house-party and I just knew you'd need me. 
No, of course you wouldn't say so, but I knew it, so I packed 
up my things and came as a little surprise. 

Peggy (slowly). It — it was awfully good of you. 

Miss C. Not a bit of it. I wanted to come. I always 
like to go where I can be of service. 

Peggy. But — I'm afraid I can hardly make you comfort- 
able. Billy only built a bungalow, you see, just half a dozen 
rooms. 

Miss C. (taking off and folding her veil). Don't apolo- 
gize, for mercy's sake. You know I can tuck in anywhere. 
(Cheerfully) Anywhere at all. 

Peggy. But — Cousin Laura — you don't realize that every 
inch of space is packed jammed full. 

Miss C. (taking off her gloves). Now don't talk like that 
or I'll think you don't want me. What's the matter with 
your couch? Couldn't I sleep there? 

Peggy. Oh, but I couldn't ask you to do that. I'll see if 
one of the girls 

Miss C. Now you shall do nothing of the sort or I'll leave 
to-morrow. I'll cut my visit short. 

Peggy (frowning thoughtfully). I'd give up my room, 

but Billy 

EEADY Colonel to enter u. l. 

Miss C. Nonsense. I tell you I'll take the couch. I 
always retire late and I'm up early. Now don't say another 
word about it or I'll get my feelings hurt. And you know 
what my feelings are. (Looks out of window) See, here 
comes your man now with my grips. I sent him to the land- 
ing for them. 

Peggy (in amazement). My man? You sent — what man? 

Miss C. The man I found making himself at home with 
your cellarettc. I do think, Peggy, Billy should keep those 
things under lock and key. Such a temptation. 

Peggy (puzzled, going to cellarette). Mike in my cellar- 
ette? Mike? (Turns to Miss C.) Why, he's gone for the 
girls ages ago. 

Miss C. I don't know what you call him, but here he 
comes now. And what a fuss he makes. (Looking out of 
window.) Why, they're not heavy. 

Peggy (looking over Miss C.'s shoidder). Why, Cousin 
Laura, that's Col. Varker! 

Miss C. (in horrified tones). Colonel Varker? Not — not 
the Colonel Varker? 

Peggy. The Colonel Varker. 



14 Billy's Bungalow. 

Miss 0. From Washington? 

Peggy. From Washington. Billy invited him for the 
fishing. He's wild about it you know. 

ENTEK Colonel u. l., hreathless. 

Miss C. (sinking into a chair). Colonel Varker! And I 
sent him for my grips. 

Col. (regaining his breath). Here y'are, ma'am, miss. 
Two woolly ones and one smooth. (Puts the grips down) 

Peggy (laughing and shaJang her finger at Col.). 
Colonel, what do you mean by passing yourself off as 
Mike? 

READY Dot and Kitty to enter u. l. 

Col. Didn't. Vow I didn't. She spotted me. 

Peggy. Cousin Laura, allow me to present Colonel Varker. 

Miss C. Colonel, I owe you ten thousand apologies. 

Col. That — that's all right. Wasn't your fault. It was 
Billy's coat. (To Peggy) By the way, have you made it 
up? 

Peggy (laughingly). Well, he discovered the whiskey. I 
knew he would. 

Col. Whiskey? What whiskey? 

Peggy. On my breath. 

Col. Oh-h-h-h! 

ENTEE Dot and Kitty u. l. 

Dot. Peggy, it's the prettiest thing I ever saw. (Em- 
braces Peggy) 

Kitty. Where did you ever find it? 

Dot (shaJcing hands with Miss Cauldwell). Cousin 
Laura, who'd have thought of you here. 

Peggy. Girls, you must know Colonel Varker. Colonel, 
this is my sister, Miss Dorothy French, and this is Miss 
Katherine Campbell. Cousin Laura needs no introduction. 

Dot. Where's Billy? 

Peggy. You must have missed him; he's gone for the 
men. 

Kitty. How awfully jolly that sounds. I do love men. 

Peggy. You ridiculous child. 

Col. Think I'll go meet him. If you will excuse me. 

[EXIT Col. u. l. 

Miss C. I should like a stroll. I think I'll go with — I 
mean I'll go to meet Billy too. 

[EXIT Miss C. u. l. 



Billy's Bungalow. 15 

Kitty. Well, I never. {Goes to window.) She's nearly- 
got him — no — yes, no. He sees her coming. Girls, he's 
hidden. She's lost him. Now she's taken the wrong path. 
Ali-h-h, he's safe. 

Peggy. Kit, what nonsense! 

Kitty {seriously, turning from window). Now to busi- 
ness. Tell us, Peggy, who's to be here? 

Peggy {turning to Dot). Well — Gordon for one. 

Kitty. Good! He is such fun. Who else? 

Peggy. Oh, Dot, I want to explain something. I had 
asked Stanley Seaman to meet you, but Billy had a telegram 
saying he sailed for Europe yesterday. And without con- 
sulting me, Billy 'phoned Theodore Thurston to take Stan- 
ley's place. 

Dot {starting slightly at the mention of Thurston's 
name, then recovering herself, and trying to speak easily 
as she removes her wraps). And — he's coming? 

Peggy. I hope you understand that it was entirely un- 
intentional. 

Dot. I — understand perfectly. 

Peggy. And — and you don't mind? 

Dot {coldly). Not in the' least. Mr. Thurston's plans 
are a matter of absolute indifference to me. He can go 
to 

Kitty. Dorothy, Pm shocked. 

Dot. Timbuctoo, for all I care. But, Peggy, there is 
something I must speak to you about. I — I thought you 
wouldn't mind having an extra man so — ^so I've asked 

Kitty. Out with it. Whom? 

Dot. The Hon, Francis Fairweather Spaulding. 

Peggy. Dot, you didn't. 

Kitty. That little cad? He gives me the wooleys! 

Peggy {looking annoyed). I wish you had told me before. 
There really isn't an inch of room. Why did you want him 
anyway ? 

Dot. Because — Pm engaged to him. 

Peggy. Dot, you don't mean it. You are not engaged 
to that. 

Dot. I am engaged to marry Francis Spaulding. 

Kitty. She's joking. I can see it in her eyes. 

Dot. Pm not joking. I am in dead earnest. 

Kitty. I don't believe it. No one could take that seri- 
ously. 'Twould be robbing the cradle. Peggy, may I go to 
my room? I want to get into something decent before these 
blessed boys arrive. 



l6 Billy's Bungalow. 

Peggy. Certainly, just at the end of the corridor. Where 
the door stands open. Here, I'll go with you. 

Kitty. No, you won't. You are going to stay here and 
lecture Dot, while I make myself presentable. 

[EXIT Kitty u. r. 

Peggy (turning eagerly to Dot). Now, Dot, tell me what 
it all means. 

Dot. I don't know what you are talking about. 

Peggy. Yes you do. This nonsense you are trying to 
make me believe. 

Dot. There is nothing to tell. Francis Spaulding pro- 
posed to me and I have accepted him. Is there anything so 
very unusual about a rich American girl marrying a title? 

Peggy. When you are the girl — yes. Dot, listen to me. 
Do you love him? 

Dot (examining her umhrella very critically). I tell you 
I am going to marry him. 

Peggy (taking the umbrella from Dot). That isn't an- 
swering my question. Do you love him? 

Dot. What has love to do with it? 

Peggy. Everything. Every single solitary thing. 

Dot. Nonsense. There's something in the world besides 
love. 

Peggy. Wliat? 

Dot. Well, there's money for one thing — and — and social 
position. 

Peggy. That's Ballycattle nonsense and you know it. 
(Going to Dot and putting her arm around he?') Dot, listen 
to me. Don't ruin your whole life. Billy has asked Theo- 
dore here 

Dot (quichly). Thought he'd patch up between us, eh? 
Well, he can't. That's all over and done for. I'm going to 
marry Francis, and Teddy — Helen Porter. 

READY Billy, Teddy, Francis, Gordon and Colonel 
to enter u. l. 

Peggy. Dot. He isn't. 

Dot. Oh, yes he is. T knew it all along. It was never 
me he cared for, but Helen. It was always Helen, always. 
Now with Francis it's different. Francis is — is really a fine 
fellow — only you have to — to know him as I do to find him 
out. 

Peggy. I'm so sorry. I can't tell you. If you'd only 
waited. It would all have come, out right. I know it would. 

Dot. It's all right as it is, T tell you. Francis adores me 
— and — and I find him most amusing. Yes, that's it, he — he 



Billy's Bungalow, 17 

amuses me. I never fight with him as Ted and I used to. 
We get on beautifully. We'll make an ideal couple. See 
if we don't. 

Peggy. I don't want to see. I want you and Teddy — 
{Looks out of window) Here he comes now. Just see what 
a fine manly fellow he is. 

Dot {collecting her wraps hastily). I — I am not ready to 

meet him yet. Don't tell him I'm here 

[EXIT u. R. 

Peggy {without turning from the window or knowing that 
Dot has fled). He's the finest man I know next to Billy. 
Of course no one can compare with Billy. Really, Dot, he's 
just the dearest fellow. I don't say so because he's my hus- 
band, but it's the truth. Just let me tell you what he did 
yesterday. {Turns, finds herself alone) Why — ^why — 
where ? 

[EXIT u. R. 

ENTER Billy, Teddy, Francis, Gordon and the Colonel 

u. L. 

Billy. Here we are bag and baggage. {Looks around) 
Why, where are the girls? 

CoL. There he goes as bad as ever. Always girls, girls, 
girls. 

Teddy. I tell you, Billy, you made no mistake this time. 
{Looks around approvingly.) It's all right. 

Billy. Think so? Looked pretty good to me when I 
first saw it. 

Gordon. Who put you wise? 

Billy. The little clothes-pin of a post-mistress at the 
Point. 

READY Peggy, Dot and Kitty to enter u. r. 
Col. {laughing). Clothes-pin. By Jove, that's good! 
She reminds me of the young woman from Rye. 
Francis. From Wye? You don't mean Why? 
CoL. Yes. Don't you know her? 

" There was a young woman from Rye 
With a form like a capital 'I.' 
She said: ^ It's too bad, 
But then I can pad.' 
Which shows you how figures can lie." 

{All laugh) 
Gordon. Oh, I say, that's great. The best ever. 
Billy. Colonel, you of all people to be good at figure?, 
Teddy. Where did you crib it? 



l8 Billy's Bungalow. 

Col. (bowing to right and left, his hand on his heart). 
Modesty forbids my proclaiming myself the distinguished 
author. 

Billy. You'll be the e:ctinguished author if you do any 
more like that. 

Col. Then I shall be decidedly put out. 

Francis {beginning to laugh). Ha — ha — ^ha — he — he — he 
— Oh, that's funny. That's deuced funny. Why — that's a 
joke. It is weally. It just dawned upon me. Figures can 
lie. He — he. {To Billy.) I say, do you see the point? 

Billy. I think I do. 

Francis {taking small note-hook from his pocket). I must 
jot that down. Excuse me while I jot that down. I always 
jot ewewything humorous I come acwoss in my travels, and 
that you know is clevah — deuced clevah. 

Col. (aside to Teddy). I say, where did Billy pick it up? 

Teddy. Search me. Found it at the landing all tagged 
and labeled so had to fetch it along. 

ENTER Peggy, Dot and Kitty u. r. 

Bii-LY. Well, it's about time. We were going to advertise 
for you. 

Peggy (shaking hands all around). Mr. Thurston, so glad 
to see you. You know my sister and I believe you have met 
Miss Campbell. 

Dot. Peggy, you know the Hon. Francis Spaulding. 

Peggy. Yes, indeed, it is ever so good of you to be will- 
ing to spend a couple of weeks in these wilds. 

Francis. It's — aw — jolly good of you to let me. It is 
weally. 

Teddy (to Dot). Dot — Miss French — I — didn't know — I 
thought you were at Mahopac. 

Dot. So that's why you accepted Billy's invitation? 

Teddy. Yes. 

Dot. You are frank as usual. I flattered myself — 

Teddy (interrupting her roughly). No you didn't. You 
knew well enough I wouldn't have come had I known you 
were here. 

Dot. How very complimentary. 

Teddy (taking a time-table from his pocket). I wonder 
what train I can catch in the morning. 

Dot. I hope you are not leaving on my account. 

Teddy. No, on my own. 

Dot. Because I don't mind your being here in the least. 

Teddy (starting toward her). Dot! 



Billy's Bungalow. 19 

Dot (turning from Teddy). It doesn't make a particle of 
difference to me whether you stay or not. 

Teddy (angrily flopping over the pages of time-table). 
Six-fifty, seven-three, seven-thirty-five, eight-two 

Kitty. What were you all laughing at when we came in? 

Francis. Aw — it was a limerwick, you know, deuced 
clevah too. It — aw — doesn't stwike you at first, but when 
you see the point — aw — it's scweamingly funny. 

Dot. Tell us. We want to laugh too. 

pRANCis (turning to Col.). Oh, aw, Colonel, by Jove, he's 
vewy much engaged. But I — aw — think I can wemember it. 
Not exactly perhaps — but — aw — almost. 

Peggy. Listen — girls — listen. 

Francis. There — aw — was a young woman fwom aw— 
"Kew" 

Teddy. With a form like an inverted "U." 

Billy. It is no disgrace 

She said : " I can lace." 

Gordon. And — er — she divided her figure in two. 

(All laugh) 

Francis (perplexed). Aw — but — by Jove, it didn't exactly 
go that aw — way. Weally it didn't. There was something 
in it about unweliable figures. A-aw sort of a pun. Bah 
Jove, how wotten. I can't wemember it. 

Billy. Thought you had jotted it down. 

Francis. I — aw twied to, but I — aw — couldn't get the 

dwift of it. 

Kitty (who has been talkifig to the Col.). I don't know, 
Colonel, I'll ask her. Peggy, the Colonel wants to know 
what you are going to call it? 

Peggy. What? The boat? 

Kitty. No. The bungalow. 

Peggy. Billy's bungalow? Why, I don't know. I hadn't 
thought of a name. It's too tiny. 

Col. (clapping his hands). There you are. Just the 
thing. Billy's Bungalow. 

Gordon. Hurrah! We'll christen her. Peggy, will you 
perform the ceremony? 

Peggy (laughing). Gladly, if you'll show me how. I've 
stood sponsor for a boat, but never for a house. 

Billy (who has been exploring the cellareite, holding aloft 
a bottle of beer). Here's the champagne. 

Gordon (talcing the bottle from him). That's the idea. 
You must break the bottle at the door-sill, Peggy. 

Peggy. And spoil my new rug, no thank you. 



ao Billy's Bungalow. 

Col. By Jove that would be a shame. Have your glasses 
ready, boys. Don't spill a drop. Now, Mrs. Middleton. (All 
crowd around Peggy) 

Peggy (striking bottle against door-jamh). Here's to Billy's 
Bungalow ! 

All (holding glasses for Peggy to fill, then raising them 
aloft). Billy's Bungalow! 

CUKTAIN. 



ACT n. 



SCENE. — Same as Act I. The next morning. Small tahle 
DOWN L. for chafing-dish; percolator or coffee-urn on 
cellarette. Bread-box containing six loaves of bread in 
china-closet. DISCOVEKED entire house-party with 
the exception of Teddy, and in little groups of two's and 
three's all talking excitedly. Miss Cauldwell, Peggy 
and Col. down r., Kitty, Francis Spaulding and Gor- 
don DOWN L. Dot and Billy, c. 

Peggy. I tell you they've gone. I came down early to 
see if Bridget needed any help and found the whole place 
deserted. Table not set — kitchen fire not lighted — dining- 
room not aired — piazza not swept — nothing done — nothing at 
all — absolutely nothing and only this note — (Holds out 
scrap of paper) to explain. This perfectly ridiculous scrawl 
saying that they were leaving. 

Gordon (taking paper from Peggy). Gee, Peg, but weVe 
up against it for fair. And what easy marks we were. Like 
taking candy from the baby. We should have locked up the 
boat. Might have known they'd pinch it if they got in a 
hole. 

Billy. That's the way you're served nowadays. You 
think you're fixed and the first thing you know you're in the 
soup. Pm not surprised at Bridget, but I did think better 
of Mike. The next man I get I shall chain hand and foot 
and if he attempts to break loose I'll shoot him. 

Dot. Perhaps they're taking a swim or — or gone for a 
row. I can't believe they'd clear out — leave you like this, 
Peggy. Have you looked everywhere? There's the cow-shed 
and the landing. We'll form a searching party. 



Billyhs Bungalow* 21 

Francis. Aw — are you sure that theyVe taken nothing 
with them? The last place I visited the — aw — butler took 
Fwench leave with a jolly lot of silver. He — aw — did 
weally. 

Peggy (to Billy). I can't imagine what under the sun got 
into them. To deliberately walk out of the house and never 
say " Beans." I don't believe she was ill. She was all right 
last night — not an ache or a pain. I'd have sent for a doctor 
if she'd only given me a chance — but no, off they go — both 
of them if you please — both. It would have been bad enough 
if we were alone, but to leave me in the lurch with a house 
full of company. It's enough to try the patience of a saint. 

Billy. And the worst of it is they've taken our boat — our 
only boat. That's what makes me mad. The cheek of them. 
If they'd waited till next week the sloop would have been 
here and they could have gone to Halifax for all I'd care. 
But to coolly walk off with the only blooming thing we've 
got that floats, and leave us stranded — absolutely stranded. 
Oh! it's enough to make a horse swear. Why, those excur- 
sion boats only run once a week. Pass here on Saturdays, 
and this is Tuesday. (Counts on fingers) Tuesday, Wed- 
nesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday. Four whole days to 
wait. To stay here kicking our heels while they — Oh! it's 
maddening. 

Francis (to Dot). And so deuced awkward. A fellah 
can't stay housed up on top of a spool forever. Why don't 
they telephone for a cwaft of some sort. I — aw — am not 
squeamish as to the aw — style, just so she'll float. I've simply 
got to get to the Point this morning. My aw — man is to 
meet me there. So beastly awkward that we missed connec- 
tions last night. A fellah can't wear the same clothes a 
week. Weally. So I shall have to get to the Point some way, 
anyway at all so long as I get there. You see how it is. 
You all see how it is. I don't want to be nasty about it, but 
you see what a fix I'm in. 

READY Teddy, to enter u. r. 

Col. Pooh, pooh, nonsense. It's all nonsense. What a 
fuss about a trifle. They'll be back. Of course they'll be 
back. Realize we're stranded and send some one to our 
rescue. No use worrying about it. I'm not worrying. Look 
at me. Something or other will come past, and we'll hail it 
and there you are. Simplest thing in the world. Run up a 
signal. Flag of distress. Sky-rockets. Pistols. C. Q. D. 
What's his name on the Republic did it in mid-ocean. And 
they were sinking. We're all right Have a jolly time, 



22 Billy's Bungalow. 

Plenty of fishing. That's enough for anyone. What more 
can you ask for? 

Miss C. (severely). I don't see, Peggy, how you ever came 
to let them get away. Why didn't you stop them? You 
could at least have told them not to take the boat. How 
are we ever going to get the mail ? And the papers. I simply 
can't live without the papers. I always look the first thing 
every morning to see who's dead. It's such a satisfaction 
to know and now how can I ever find out ? And the weather. 
I always consult the papers before making my plans. Sup- 
pose I should wear my best silk and then get drenched. 

Kitty (laughing). It's the funniest thing I ever heard of. 
Such a lark ! Prisoners. Babes in the woods. Swiss Family 
Eobinson. Oh, I'm so glad I came. I hope no one will 
rescue us for weeks and weeks. Such a lark. I shall be 
Eobinson Crusoe and you — (to Gordon) my man Friday. 
And we shall wear goat-skins and live on clams and mussels. 
I never ate mussels but I adore clams — that is, clam chowder. 
And there's lobsters. Lobster a la Newberg. Ah, won't it 
be fun? ^ Won't it be fun? (Clapping her hands delightedly 
and taking a few dancing steps) 

Dot. Do hear that ridiculous child, I do believe she's en- 
joying the whole thing. What nonsense, Francis. Of course 
you can get to the Point. Don't worry, Peggy. (Putting 
her arm about Peggy's waist) We don't mind a bit any of 
us. The Colonel's right. Some one will be sailing past and 
we can hail them. Of course, it wasn't your fault. How 
could you possibly dream that Bridget would cut up such a 
dido? I don't believe there was anything the matter with 
her. She simply got frightened when she saw so much com- 
pany. Something might have been the matter with her and 
it's just as well she should go where she could get at a doctor. 
You're well rid of her I say. 

ENTER Teddy u. r. carrying grip, his overcoat thrown over 
his arm. He stops in doorway a minute looking from 
one group of excited faces to another. 

Teddy. What in the name of mischief is the matter? Is 
it a talking match or a jig-saw puzzle? 

Peggy (going to Teddy's right). It's neither, Teddy, but 
they've gone. Both of them. 
_ Teddy. Both of whom? Wliere did they go? 

Billy (going to Teddy's left). And they've taken our 
boat. Just wait 'till I see them. If I don't — (Doubles up 
fist) 



Billy's Bungalow. J83 

Kitty. And we're prisoners. We can't get away or tele- 
phone or wire and we shall have to wait till we're rescued 
and won't it be fun? 

Col. Let me explain. It's a very simple matter. Every- 
one is so excited, all talking at once. No wonder you can't 
make head or tail of it. 

Miss C. And the Ladies' Home Journal is due to-day 
and now I shan't find out the best way to make over my old 
grenadine. It's a perfect shame. 

Teddy. If you'd only talk one at a time I think I could 
understand, who has gone? 

Billy. Mike. 

Peggy. Bridget. 

Teddy. That's better, but I don't quite grasp it yet. Billy 
says " Mike," and Peggy, " Bridget." Who is right ? 

Billy and Peggy {together). Both. 

Teddy. I see. And who are Mike and Bridget? 

Peggy. Bridget is the cook. 

Billy. And Mike is our expressman, chauffeur, valet, bell- 
boy and butler. 

Teddy. And they're gone. Well, that is too bad, but don't 
you fret. Peggy, Billy and I shall row to the Point after 
breakfast and bring you two good servants dead or alive. 
See if we don't. 

Billy and Peggy (together). But you can't. That's just 
it, you can't. 

Teddy. Can't I though? Did you ever see me row? 

Peggy (impatiently). But you can't row without a boat. 

Billy. Don't you see they've taken our boat. Our boat. 

Teddy. You don't mean? (Looks from one to the other 
in dismay) Well, by George ! Did you ever ! 

Billy (striding up and down with his hands in his 
pockets). That's just it. Now you've got it. That's what 
the row is about. 

Kitty. Isn't it fun? We're prisoners. 

Teddy. When did they go? 

Billy. Last night. Left a crazy note with a cock-and-bull 
story about Bridget's being ill and having to see a doctor. 

Teddy (looking at his watch). By George, and I wanted 
to take the 8 :15. 

Billy. The 8:15? Surely you are not thinking of leav- 
ing us? 

Teddy. Sorry, old man, but business 

Billy. Business be hanged. This is your vacation. You 
told me yourself. Said you were going to take two weeks. 



24 Billyhs Bungalow* 

Teddy {looTcing at Dot). Thought I could, but heai-J 
something last night that makes it necessary for me to re- 
turn to town this morning. 

Billy {putting his hand on Teddy's shoulder). But you 
see you can't. Impossible. 

Teddy (catching up grip). I must. Have no choice in 
the matter. 

Billy {raising his voice impatiently). But we have no 
boat. 

Teddy. That's so. By George! How far is it to the 
Point? 

Billy. Two miles. Thinking of swimming it? 

Teddy. Yes, but had no idea it was so far. 

Col, {joining Billy and Teddy and speaking cheerfully). 
Well we're all in the same boat. 

Gordon. All out of it you mean. 

Billy. It just drives me wild. To think of them leaving 
us in this fix. 

Gordon {patting Billy's shoulder-). There, there, there, 
cheer up and smile a bit. Why, the icing's not off your cake. 
Not by a long shot. If you think you can down this bunch 
you've got another guess coming. Why, little Willie's a 
whole show by himself and now he's going to get breakfast. 

Billy. Think you are, you mean. There's not a smell of 
breakfast within miles. 

Peggy. Isn't it terrible? They hadn't even the decency 
to leave something ready for us. 

Gordon. Then it's up to us to feed our own faces. 

Teddy. Wait a minute. We'll have some system about 
this. How many of you girls can cook ? {A pause) 

Peggy {turning to Miss C). Cousin Laura 

Miss C. {raising her hand protestingly). Peggy, I couldn't. 
If there is one thing I can't do it is cook. I don't even know 
how to broil tea. 

Billy. Peg, you took a course at cooking school last year. 

Peggy. No, Billy, that was a class in first aid to the in- 
jured. 

Gordon {brusquely). Good. We'll need that before we 
get through this meal. Your job is cut and dried. 

Teddy. I, I believe I can scramble eggs. Knew a chap at 
college who could do it to a " T " and I've watched him 
many a time. 

Gordon. Now that's something like. That's the way to 
talk. Got an apron, Mrs. Middleton? (Peggy gives Gordon 
apron which he ties around Teddy's neck.) 



Billy*s Bungalow. 25 

Col. I'll make the coffee. 

Billy. I can manage a rarebit. [EXIT Billy u. r. 

Gordon. Wait a minute. You're mixing your drinks. 
We'll save the rarebit for supper. Oh! I say, have you got 
such a thing as a chafing dish? (Peggy gets dish) I 
thought so. Eggs and coffee. Sounds pretty good to me. 

Peggy (going off stage and returning with dish of eggs). 
Here are the eggs. Will a dozen be enough? 

Teddy. Plenty. They spread out you know when they're 
cooked. 

ENTER Billy with package and sauce-pan. 

Billy. Isn't this lucky. A whole package of hominy I 
just love hominy. 

Peggy. That isn't hominy. That's rice. 

Billy. So much the better. Everybody have rice ? Good. 
Guess you can each have a cupful and one for the pot. 
(Puts rice into pot — ruhs his hands together in satisfaction.) 
Bice, eggs and coffee. 

Kitty (to Teddy who is hreahing eggs into frying-pan). 
Shouldn't you grease the pan? 

Teddy. No, indeed. What's the use? The butter would 
only melt and mix with the eggs. Besides my friend never 
did. I'm sure he didn't. 

Col. I tell you a cup of hot coffee with good rich cream 
will put us all on our feet. 

Peggy (stopping in the act of setting the table with Dot s 
assistance). I don't know where we'll get the cream. There's 
no one to milk the cow. 

Francis. Aw — bah Jove! I believe I can do that.^ 

Billy (looking Francis over from head to foot). Did you 
ever try? 

Francis. No, but when I was a little lad — aw — used to 
watch the maids do it. Vewy simple, you know. Weally it 
is. A mechanical wist motion. 

Gordon. And your game? Say, Peggy, give him a try. 

Peggy. Gordon, he mustn't. He'd get kicked sure as 
fate. 

Gordon (aside to Peggy). So much the better. Knock 
some of the conceit out of him. 

Peggy. He shan't do it. 

Billy. Nonsense. He wouldn't offer unless he knew what 
he was about. [EXIT u. l. 

Kitty (to Francis). Are you really going to do it? What 
a lark. Let me watch. I'll be as good as gold. Wait, we 



26 Billy's Bungalow. 

must have a three-legged stool. This will do. Now we're 
ready. [EXIT Kitty and Francis u. l. 

Peggy. Cousin Laura, will you help me set the table? 

Miss C. I wish I could, Peggy, but I'm absolutely no good 
at that sort of thing. I always get the wrong things at the 
wrong places. But if there's anything else I could do. 

Peggy. Indeed there is. Will you just wash uj) these 
dishes so I can get them out of the way? 

Miss C. Wash dishes? I — I wash dishes! Why, Peggy, 
I think you forget my hands. Hot water is the worst thing 
in the world for them. (To Colonel) The present day 
girls are so very inconsiderate. Is there anything I can do to 
help you, Colonel? 

Col. No — yes you can too. If you will be so kind? Will 
you just watch this coffee to see that it doesn't boil over? 
Thanks awfully. 

Miss C. Not at all. I just love to be of service. That's 
what I told Peggy when I came. I knew she'd need my help. 

Col. I say, Thurston, you're burning those eggs. 

Teddy. Not a bit of it. They always smell like that when 
they're cooking. 

Miss C. I don't see why cooks make such a fuss about 
getting a meal. I think it's very easy. 

Col. So glad you like it. You won't mind if I smoke a 
cigar ? 

HEADY Billy to enter u. l. 

Miss C. No indeed! I adore tobacco. 

Col. (going toward u. e.). Thanks. The coffee will be 
ready in about twenty minutes. Don't let it boil too hard. 

[EXIT Colonel, u. l. 

Miss C. (starting up in dismay). But, Colonel, you're not 
going to leave me to watch it alone. Why, the idea! He's 
gone. Suppose it should boil over. I haven't the faintest 
notion what to do. Peggy, will you give an eye to the coffee. 
I think I'll take a little nap before breakfast. I have such 
a headache. I think it's the smoke. Just call me when 
everything's ready. [EXIT Miss C, u. r. 

Teddy. Well, if that don't beat the Dutch. 

Peggy. There's something burning, Teddy. 

Teddy. Well, it's not the eggs. It's the Colonel's coffee. 

Peggy. What nonsense. Coffee doesn't burn. (Takes a 
fork and tries to stir eggs) 

Teddy (drawing the pan away). Don't stir them. They 
mustn't be stirred. You just keep shaking the pan. 



Billy's Bungalow. 87 

ENTEE Billy, u. l. 

Billy {carrying an armful of wood). By Greorge, Ted, if 
you burn those eggs 

Teddy. See here, who's scrambling these eggs ? If I bum 
them I'll eat them. 

Billy. Then for the love of Mike, don't burn them for 
I'm hungry as a hunter. 

Billy. What on earth are you going to do with that 
wood ? 

Billy {tahing off his coat and removing his cuffs). Make 
a little fire in the stove. We can't get dinner on a chafing- 
dish. 

Peggy (washing dishes while Dot dries them). Dinner? 
Who's thinking about dinner? 

Billy. I am. I am thinking about beefsteak — rare, and 
mashed potatoes, and corn on the cob and 

Gordon. Forget it, Bub, forget it. 

Peggy. If you want any dinner you men will have to fish 
it out of the sea. 

Billy (getting up hrisMy, putting on his coat). That^s 
the idea. Good for you, Peg. We'll start right after break- 
fast. Come here, Gordon, and see my outfit. 

[EXIT Billy and Gordon, u. r. 

Peggy (putting glasses on a tray). Dot, give Teddy a plat- 
ter for the omelette. [EXIT Peggy, u. r. 

(Dot goes to dresser, tal-es down platter, puts it on tahle he- 
side Teddy who has been steadily shaking the pan with 
the eggs. As Dot turns away Teddy puts pan on chafing- 
dish and steps hetween Dot and door toward which she 
has turned.) 

Teddy (earnestly). Miss Erench — Dot, I — I'na awfully 
sorry, but you see how it is. I should have gone if it were 
possible. You — you believe that, don't you? 

Dot. Yes. (He takes a step nearer to her) I believe you 
wish to get as far as possible from any place where I might 
happen to be. 

Teddy (eagerly). For your sake only. But now — now 
that I can't go, that I am obliged to stay — tell me, you — 
you are not sorry. 

Dot (turning from him). No, I am not sorry. 

Teddy (catching her hand). Dot, does that mean that you 
are glad— just a tiny little bit glad? Dot, don't turn away. 
Listen to me. You will give me another chance. I^was a^ 



58 Billy*s Bungalow. 

jealous fool, but you don't know — you will never know how 
I have suffered. Let me start all over again. 

Dot {withdrawing her hand). Don't. You — you mustn't. 
It's too late. 

EEADY Peggy to enter u. r. 

Teddy. It isn't. It can't be. 

Dot. It is. I — I am not free. 

Teddy. Not free. Why — why, you don't mean — you're not 
married ? 

Dot. No, but I'm engaged. 

Teddy. Engaged? To whom? 

READY Gordon to enter u. r. 

Dot {throwing hack her head). To the Hon. Francis 
Spaulding. 

Teddy. Oh, but that's nonsense. You needn't think I'm 
going to let a little thing like that stand in my way. 

ENTER Peggy u. r. 

Peggy {quickly taking pan that is smoking on the chafing- 
dish and turning to Teddy reproachfully). Teddy! 

Teddy {taking pan from Peggy and hastily turning the 
contents of the pan out upon the platter held hy Dot). 
They're not burnt, Peggy. Not even scorched. 

Peggy {taking a fork and touching the eggs in the pan). 
Then what makes them stick to the pan? 

Teddy {giving the pan a little shake). Oh, that doesn't 
mean anything. They always do that. It is their nature to. 

Peggy {scraping pan). You must let me scrape some of 
it out or there won't be enough for breakfast. {Turning 
away) And they are burned or they wouldn't look so queer. 

[EXIT Peggy u. r. with eggs. 

Teddy {turning eagerly to Dot). Dot, listen to me. I'll 
never give you up to him, never. 

ENTER Gordon u. r. brandishing large hread-knife, 

READY Kitty to enter u. l. 
Teddy {impatiently). Confound it. 
Gordon. Where's the man who cooked those eggs? 
Teddy. Father, I cannot tell a lie. {Holding up chafing- 
dish) 1 did it with this little hatchet. 

ENTER Kitty u. l. 

Kitty {excitedly). Oh, somebody come — come quick. 
He's dead. I'm sure he's dead. 

READY Francis to enter a. L. 



Billy's Bungalow. 29 

Teddy. The Colonel? By George! 

[EXIT Teddy and Dot u. r. 

Kitty (calling after him). No, no. Lord Spaulding. 

Gordon (taking loaf of bread from box and beginning to 
cut it calmly). Piffles! He'll get over it. 

Kitty (furiously). You horrid, cold-blooded thing. 
You'd be perfectly furious if anyone took your death that 
way. 

Gordon. My dear child, when I die — (Looks up and sees 
Francis standing in the doorway u. l. covered with dust and 
face smeared with blood. His necktie is under his ear, his 
collar is unfastened and his coat torn) Great Jumping- 
Jehosaphat. Look, who's here. 

Francis (clutching at door to steady himself, then stagger- 
ing to a chair and dropping into it). Don't — don't be 
alarmed. It's — it's all right. (Pauses) She — she has a 
most peculiar temper. I — I — was vewy gentle with her. I 
was weally. But she — she wouldn't give any cweam. (8inks 
back exhausted) 

Kitty. Gordon, get him some coffee. He's fainted. 

Gordon (scornfully). Well, I'm not surprised. 

Francis (sitting upright). No — no, I haven't. And Vm 
not weady for my coffee yet. (Tries to rise) I'm going to 
twy again. I — I've thought of a new way to coax her. 

Kitty (taking him a glass of water). Indeed you shall do 
nothing of the sort. If you won't get him some coffee, Gor- 
don, I'll get it myself. 

Francis (steadying himself by chair-back) No — no — you 
needn't. I'll go into my room for a few minutes if you think 
I shan't alarm them. I don't want to fwighten them, you 
know. 

Kitty. Gordon, give him your arm. He isn't able to 
walk. 

Gordon (stiffly). Take my arm. 

Francis. Thanks awfully, but — I shouldn't know what to 
do with it. I — I can manage. Weally I can. 

[EXIT Francis u. r. 

Gordon (savagely cutting bread). Of all Tom-fool doings. 

Kitty. You just make me boiling mad when you act like 
that. You may be as contemptuous as you please, but he's 
done a mighty brave thing and you know it. 

Gordon. Fiddle-sticks. The bigger fool a man is the 
more fuss you girls make over him. 

Kitty. He's not a fool. He's a good deal braver than you 
are, Gordon Middleton, 



30 Billy's Bungalow. 

Gordon (heginning to cut another loaf of bread). Yes, I 
noticed his bravery last night. He's not afraid— of cows. 

Kitty. ^ You'd snub any one who didn't have United 
States written all over his face. 

Gordon. ^ Gee! You're right there; United States stands 
for something. And a something that gets me every time. 

Kitty. That's no excuse for throwing stones at the rest 
of the world. 

Gordon. See here, Kit, what's the use of your standing 
up for this chump. He's a dope and you know it. 
^ Kitty. He's nothing of sort. He's not all on the surface 
like some people, I admit. He has depth. 

Gordon. He's so deep that it's a wonder he hasn't been 
drowned in himself ages ago. 

Kitty. If he's as contemptible as you think why has Dot 
accepted him? 

Gordon (in dismay). She's done what? 

Kitty (nibbling at a slice of bread). Accepted him. 
Didn't you know they were engaged? 

Gordon. Kit, you don't mean that Dot — Oh, (cutting 
bread again) you're kidding. Why Dot and Thurston — 

Kitty. Wake up, little boy. That's ancient history. 

Gordon (anxiously). You don't mean it. See here, Kit, 
this won't do. It's up to us to attend to this. 

Kitty. Not a bit of it. Dot says she never quarrels with 
Lord Spaulding as she did with Teddy. She says they get 
on beautifully. 

Gordon. Well, he may be a little sugar-coated angel with 
a gold paper crown, but I'm not going to call that brother- 
in-law. He's not for Dot. She's going to marry Ted and 
I'm going to see that she does. 

Kitty (perching upon the table). How are you going to 
manage it? 

Gordon. Will you help? 

Kitty. Sure. 

Gordon. Is that straight? I was beginning to think you 
were in love with that jay yourself. 

Kitty. And if I were? 

READY Peggy to enter u. r. 

Gordon. Don't talk nonsense. Own up you think him a 
pill? 

Kitty (slowly). Well, I don't think he's the man for Dot. 

Gordon. Of course he isn't. We'll nip that in the bud. 

Kitty (talcing another slice of bread). How? What are 
your plans? 



Billy's Bungalow. 31 

Gordon. Search me. But I'll fix it somehow. 

Kitty (clasping her hands). I know. I know. I'll flirt 
with Lord Spaulding — no nonsense you know, but a genuine 
flirtation. 

Gordon (savagely). You will, will you? 

Kitty (eagerly). Yes, and when Dot sees how fickle he 
is, she'll throw him over. See? 

Gordon. I can't say I do. Where do I come in in this 
deal? Oh, yes, now I grasp it; I'm to flirt with Dot, then 
Ted will get furiously jealous and they'll find out how much 
they love each other. (Looks up and sees Peggy staring at 
him from door u. r.) Wliy — why — what's the matter? 

Peggy (severely). When you two have finished cutting up 
every scrap of bread we have in the house we'd like to have 
some for breakfast. 

Gordon (piling up hread in dismay). It was your fault, 
Peg. You told me to cut the bread. You didn't say one 
loaf — or two loaves or how many loaves. You just said cut 
the bread and, by George, I cut it. 

Peggy (putting some of the Thread hach into the hox and 
the rest upon two plates). Do you realize that when this 
bread is gone you may never see another loaf again. 

Gordon (helping Peggy with the hread). Bosh! There^s 
plenty of flour in the house, isn't there? 

Peggy. I suppose so. 

Gordon. Well, there you are. What more do you want? 

Peggy. There's plenty of gasoline in the house, too, but 
that doesn't make an automobile. 

Kitty (going to percolator). Is that stuff coflee? 

Gordon (turning out light under coffee). Supposed to be. 
" Coffee, coffee, coffee, 
The vilest you ever have seen." 

KEADY Francis to enter u. r. 

Peggy. Never mind, it can't be worse than the eggs. 

Gordon (loohing at percolator in a puzzled manner). Do 
I bring the whole incubator? 

Peggy (stopping at doorway to call over her shoulder). 
Percolator, if you please. No, better fill the cups out here. 
They're in the pantry, Kitty. 

[EXIT Peggy u. r. 

Kitty (taking cups and saucers to Gordon and holding 
them while he fills them). It smells good. I don't believe 
it^s as bad as it looks. 

Gordon. Hope not, for if that's tay give me coffee, and 
if it's coffee, give me tay. 



32 Billy's Bungalow. 

ENTER Francis u. r. 

Francis. Coffee ready? 

Kitty {going to meet him). Oh, I'm so glad you feel 
better. I can't tell you how frightened I was when I saw 
you fall. 

Francis. That's awfully good of you, weally. A chap 
looks so beastly idiotic when he takes a header, you know. 

Kitty. You didn't a bit. You fell most gracefully. 
{Sitting down, clasping her hands and looking at him ad- 
miringly) Do you know I think you're tremendously brave. 

Francis {leaning against table and beaming down at 
Kitty). Aw — I say, you're wagging me. 

Kitty {seriously). Indeed I'm not. Why, not a single 
man here dared face that cow and you never hesitated a 
minute. 

Gordon {savagely filling cups and scowling at Francis). 
Fools rush in where 

Francis {turning to Gordon). Beg pardon. Did you 
speak to me? 

Gordon {grimly). Oh, no, I was jeering at the coffee. 

Francis {turning to Kitty). Aw — I say you are a jolly 
elevah girl. 

Kitty {shaking her head at him). Oh, you flatter me. 

Francis. No, I don't, weally. You — you're not a bit like 
other girls. Why, you understand a fellah. 

Kitty. But I don't everyone. Only people I like. 

Gordon {spilling some coffee, jumping about and clasping 
his hand as if it were burned). Carnation. Oh, oh! 

Kitty {rushing to him). Gordon, what's the matter? 
Did you burn yourself? 

Francis {going to door). Aw — I'll fetch some Pond's 
Extwact It's in my gwip. [EXIT Francis u. r. 

Kitty {trying to see Gordon's hand). You poor boy. 
Does it hurt so very much ? 

Gordon {dropping his injured air and turning angrily to 
Kitty). No, it doesn't hurt at all, but if you think I'm 
going to stand aside and hear you make a fool of yourself 
over that blooming idiot of a nincum-poop, you're greatly 
mistaken. 

READY Dot and Teddy to enter u. r. 

Kitty. Gordon ! Why did you frighten me so ? I thought 
you were badly hurt. 

Gordon. Disappointed because I'm not, eh? 

Kitty. Gordon, don't get so excited, 



Billy's Bungalow. 33 

Gordon. Excited? Who's excited? I — I'm as cool as a 
cucumber. Never felt smoother in my life. 

Kitty. But you forget. We agreed to do this. I'm to 
flirt with him and you with Dot. 

Gordon (looking around excitedly). Where is Dot? 

ENTER Dot and Teddy u. r. 

Gordon. Oh, here you are. I thought you were never 
coming. 

Dot. We couldn't find the Colonel, Kitty; we looked 
everywhere. 

Gordon. Never mind the Colonel, listen to me. I've been 
waiting and waiting for you. 

Dot (in surprise). For me? You don't mean me? 

Gordon (taking her hand). Yes, I do, too. You're just 
the one I do mean. Do you think I can be happy when 
you're not here? 

Dot (trying to withdraw her hand). Gordon, you goose. 

Gordon (catching and holding both her hands). I don't 
care what you call me as long as you let me stay near you. 
Do you know there is not a girl like you in the whole wide 
world. Not one. 

READY Peggy to enter u. r. 

Dot. You ridiculous boy. 

Teddy (scowling). See here, Gordon, have you lost your 
head? 

Gordon. No, my heart. Isn't she pretty, Ted? Isn't she 
the sweetest girl? 

ENTER Francis u. r. 

Francis (^0 Gordon). I — aw — couldn't find the witch- 
hazel, but here's some cold cweam. 

ENTER Peggy u. r. 

Peggy. Where in the world are you all? Come and see 
what I've found for breakfast. 

Teddy. Good. I'm half-starved. 

Dot. I'm simply famished. 

[EXIT Ted, Dot, Peggy and Francis u. r. 

Gordon (slapping his knee and laughing). Gee, did you 
see Teddy glare? I've got him going all right — all right. 
He'll be simply wild by evening. 

Kitty (coldly). Seems to me there's such a thing as 
over-doing it. 



34 Billy's Bungalow. 

Gordon (heariily). There's no danger of that. That^s 
where I have the advantage. Dot's such a dandy girl that 
I can be as enthusiastic as I please. I'm beginning to think 
your scheme a pretty clever one and it's certainly working 
finely. Let me congratulate you. (Holds out his hand to 
Kitty) 

- READY Billy to enter u. r. 

Kitty (turning to Gordon, her eyes snapping and her 
hands clenched). You— you are the meanest man I know 
and I— I hate you. Oh, you needn't pretend to be surprised 
(as Gordon starts toward her) because I see through you. 
You — you've been in love with her all along and — and now 
you've got this excuse for telling her so. 

Gordon (in dismay). Kitty, listen to me. 

Kitty (covering her ears vnth her hands). I won't listen. 
Go to Dot. She'll listen. She— she's pretty and she's sweet 
and she's dandy and — and — everything. 

Gordon (trying to take down her hands). Kitty 

Kitty (jerking away from him and wiping her eyes with 
her handkerchief). Don't touch me. Let me alone. 

ENTER Billy hastily u. r. 

Billy (stopping in surprise at seeing Kitty in tears, and 
looking from her to Gordon). Why— why, Kitty. Not cry- 
ing ? Gordon 

Gordon (savagely). That's right. Pitch into me. Every- 
body pitch into me. I'll be hanged if I know what she wants. 
Try to please a girl and you get it in the neck. 

[EXIT Gordon u. r. 

Billy (taking a cup of coffee to Kitty and putting his 
hand on her shoulder as she sits with her head huried in her 
arm). There, there, Kitty — girl, drink this and you'll feel 
better. You are hungry and — (faking her hand) child, your 
hands are like ice. (Rubs her hand gently). 

Kitty (drying her eyes). He — he — was so mean. 

Billy. He's a brute and I'll tell him so in pretty plain 
terms. (Kitty drinks coffee, Billy gets her another cup) 
There, that's better. One m^ore cup and you'll feel daisy. 
(Taking her hand again) Why, you're warmer already. 

Kitty (smiling). Yes, I — I'm all right now. That was 
good. Thanks awfully. And— er— Billy— you— you won't 
say anything about my being such a goose ? I wouldn't have 
Peggy know I've been crying for the world. 

Billy. I won't breathe a word of it to a soul. Wild 
horses couldn't drag it from me. 



Billy's Bungalow. 35 

ENTEE Peggy u. r. 

[EXIT Kitty hastiUj u. r. 

Peggy (loohing after Kitty in surprise). Billy! Where 
are you? Oh, here. (LooJcs from Kitty's retreating figure 
to Billy) Why, what's the matter? 

Billy (nervously). Oh, — er — nothing. Nothing at all. 
(Looks about) I — er — came out here for — for — oh, yes, for 
some ice-water. 

Peggy. Where is it? 

Billy (absently). What? 

Peggy. The ice-water. 

Billy. Oh, yes, I forgot it. (Starts toward refrigerator) 
I'll get it now. 

Peggy (taking pitcher from dresser). You needn't. I'll 
get it myself. 

Billy. Nonsense. It won't take a minute. 

Peggy. It has taken you ten minutes exactly. 

Billy. But I wasn't getting it before. 

Peggy. Then what were you doing? 

Billy. Oh, er — nothing especially. You see Kitty 

Peggy (interrupting him). Yes, I saw Kitty. 

Billy. Well, you see, Kitty — er — that is — well that's all 
and now I'll get the water. 

Peggy (furiously). You shall do nothing of the sort. 
When I was choking — gasping — dying — and begged you to 
hurry, you come out here and stay, and stay, and stay. 

Billy (coming forward). But, Peggy, you don't under- 
stand. 

Peggy. No, I don't understand. Your wife dying and 
you calmly sitting out here holding Kitty's hand. 

Billy (taking a step forward). Peggy, I wasn't. I'll 
stand a good deal, but I won't stand that. 

Peggy. You were, I saw you. 

Billy. You couldn't possibHy. That was before you 
came in. 

Peggy (pointing her finger at him). Then you admit it. 
I wasn't quite sure when I accused you, but you admit it. 

Billy. Confound it. The child was cold. Half-frozen. 
You're so everlastingly unreasonable. 

Peggy. Oh, I'm unreasonable, am I, to object to your 
sitting out here flirting with Kitty while I — (pointing to 
herself) I — your own wife, is gasping — choking to death? 
Oh, yes, I'm imreasonable. What were you promising her 
when I came in? 



36 Billy's Bungalow. 

Billy (running his hand through his hair in annoyed 
fashion). I — can't tell you. 

Peggy (taking a step toward him in amazement). You 
what? 

Billy. I — can't tell you. 

Peggy. Will not, you mean. 

Billy. Well then, will not. See here. Peg, you're making 
a mountain out of a mole-hill, and working yourself into a 
temper all for nothing. 

Peggy. I — I in a temper? I? 

Billy. If you'll let me have that pitcher, I'll get the 
water. 

Peggy. I tell you I'll get the water myself. I don't want 
you to wait on me. You can wait on Kitty. 

Billy (impatiently). Peggy, give me that pitcher and 
don't be so ridiculous. Kitty's nothing but a child, and you 
know it. 

KEADY Miss Cauldwell to enter u. r. 

Peggy. So ! I'm unreasonable and — and ridiculous and — 
and ill-tempered, eh, well, if that's your opinion of me I'll 
live up to it. I can flirt, too. You're not the only one who 
can play that game. 

Billy. Peggy, give me that pitcher. 

Peggy (thr Giving the pitcher down so that it will crash at 
his feet). There's your old pitcher. Take it and fill it for 
Kitty. [EXIT Peggy u. r. 

Billy (in utter amazement). By George! (Starts after 
Peggy) Peggy 

ENTEK Miss Cauldwell u. r. 

Miss C. Why — why, wh-at's the miatter? 

Billy (picking up pieces of china). Oh, — er — nothing — 
nothing. I broke a pitcher. That's all. 

Miss C. Did you drop it? 

Billy. Not — not exactly. 

Miss C. I see, slipped out of your hands. (Picks up 
pieces) Dear me, such a pretty one, too. Better get a dust- 
pan and brush up the pieces. Peggy will be so sorry. 

Billy (getting dust-pan and holding it while Miss C. 
sweeps china into it). Oh, I don't believe she'll mind. 

Miss C. That's a man for you. Now a housekeeper 
always treasures her china. Peggy fired this herself, too. 

Billy (looking up from dust-pan in surprise). How do 
you know? 

EEADY Colonel to enter u. l. 



fellly>s Bungalow. 37 

Miss C. She told me. 

Billy. She told you — Peggy told you? Why she hadn't 
time. 

Miss C. She told me last night. 

Billy. Last night? Why, she couldn't. She just did it. 

Miss C. Nonsense. Peggy fired that last winter. She 
did a whole fish-set at the same time. Peggy's a very accom- 
plished girl. 

Billy. Yes, yes, she is. She can fire china to perfection. 

Miss C. I'm so glad you appreciate her good points. 
When she passed me a minute ago I thought she looked 
angry and wondered if you had been having a little tiff. 

Billy. Little tiff. No, indeed. No one would call that 
a little tiff. Never! 

ENTER Col. u. l. 

Col. (holding aloft a large fish). How's that for luck? 

Billy. By George, what a beauty. Where did you catch 
it? 

Col. Down by the landing. Never saw such a pretty 
fight in your life. Sport? I tell you! 

Miss C. Why — why, it's alive! 

Col. Did you expect me to land a dead fish? The worst 
of it is it's got to be cleaned. 

READY to enter Dot and Teddy u. r. 

READY Kitty, Peggy, Francis and Gordon to enter u. r. 

Miss C. Don't let that worry you. I'll clean it myself. 

Col. Now that's something like. 

Miss C. Do I use a brush or a cloth? 

Col. What for? 

Miss C. Why, to clean it with. 

Col. You use a knife. Scrape him down to get off the 
scales. 

Miss C. {shrinlnng away). Oh, I couldn't do that. How 
perfectly horrid. The poor thing, I know that string hurts 
him. Why don't you kill him and put him out of his misery ? 
You men are so cruel. 

Col. Perhaps you will suggest a humane method of ex- 
terminating him. 

Miss C. I don't know. Of course chloroform's the most 
painless way. 



38 Billy's Buugalow. 

ENTEK Dot and Teddy u. r. 

Dot. Colonel! What a beautiful big fish. Who landed 
him? 

Col, No one hut I 

With my little fly 
I caught the fish. 
Dot. Now we can really have something to eat. Oh, I'm 
so glad. Peggy, Kitty, Francis, everybody, come quickly. 
See what the Colonel's caught. 

ENTER Kitty, Peggy, Francis, Gordon u. r.. Men crowd 
around fish — lift him to guess weight. 

Teddy (clapping Col. on shoidder). Colonel, you're a 
brick. You've saved our lives. 

CoL. Better make the most of him. There's a tremendous 
storm gathering and who knows when we can land another. 

Kitty. Another? Who wants another? 

Teddy. We'll have one royal feast to-night. 

Gordon. You can just bet j^our boots we will. 
" For to-night we'll merrry, merry be, 

(All joining in chorus, forming ring and dancing around 
CoL. who holds fish aloft) 

For to-night we'll merry, merry be. 
For to-night we'll merrry, merry be, 
^o-morrow we'll be sober." 

CURTAIN. 



ACT III. 



SCENE. — Same as hefore. The end of the weeJc. Large 

screen folded in corner u. r. Wind and rain storm 

raging outside. DISCOVERED Francis and Kitty 
working over a large kite. 

Francis. Aw — I say. Miss Ki.tty, will you just pull that 
stwing a bit tighter? 

Kitty. Tighter? Why it's so tight now it will never be 
sober again. Just stand up on that chair, will you, and 
hold her up so I can see if this is in the middle. {Looks at 



Billy's Bungalow. 39 

Tcite as Francis holds it up, then takes up shears) Isn't she 
a beauty? 

Francis. She's — aw — pwetty enough, but I can't see how 
she's ever going to make any headway in this gale. 

Kitty. That's just the point. I shall depend upon the 
gale to carry her to land. {Trimming off edges as she talTcs) 
Now don't throw any more cold water, for I have set my 
heart upon this kite. Have you the message written? 

Francis (fumhling in his pochets and holding up a little 
hag). Yes, aw — I fawncy you'll find it will keep dwy in this 
oil-skin case. 

Kitty {taking hag from him and looking at it approv- 
ingly). That's simply fine. Francis, you're an angel. If we 
succeed, I'll love you forever. 

Francis {in consternation). Aw — but you — you can't. 
You mustn't do that, you know. Why, I — I'm engaged. 

Kitty {returning the hag to Francis and resuming luorJc 
on the kite). Oh, that doesn't make any difference. I don't 
mind in the least. 

Francis. But — ^but — ^weally. Miss Kitty, I — I'm twe- 
mendously sorry, but 

Kitty {sitting on floor and attaching a long tail made of 
string and paper to kite). You see yours isn't like a real 
engagement. 

Francis {looking through his monocle at her over the top 
of kite). 'Not like a weal engagement? Why — why, I don't 
understand. It is a weal engagement. 

Kitty {measuring off several yards of twine). Oh, no, it 
isn't. A real engagement is when two people just love each 
other to pieces. Like — well — like Billy and Peggy did. Now 
you don't care a snap for Dot 

Francis {interrupting her). I beg your pardon. I hold 
Miss Fwench in vewy high esteem. 

Kitty {hreaking off piece of twine and kneeling up to 
fasten it to kite). Esteem, fiddle-sticks. Who wants es- 
teem? As for Dot — any one with half an eye can see she is 
simply wild about Teddy. {Looks up impatiently as Francis 
lowers kite) For goodness sake, don't let it fall. Hold it up. 
Higher. She was crazy about him ages before she ever met 
you. 

Francis. Do you mean to say that Mr. Thurston and 

Miss Fwench were — er 

READY Gordon to knock at door. 

Kitty {hriskly) Of course they were — and are still for 
that matter. {Impatiently) If you lower that again, I'll jab 



40 Billyhs Bungalow. 

you with these shears. She is only flirting with you, to get 
him on a string again. And he's so wild about her that he's 
ready to ohew you up. There ! i8its hack on her heels) 
Now you can come down. And see if you can make any- 
thing out of this snarl. It gets worse and worse. (Gives 
him twine. Footsteps heard off stage) Oh, bother, here 
comes some one. (Rises, goes to door, holding it firmly shut) 
Who's there? 

Gordon (off stage). It's I, Gordon. 

Kitty (seating herself in chair which she draws up close 
to door). Oh, is that all? Well, you can't come in. 

GoRDO-ti (off stage). Why not? 

Kitty (to Gordon). Because I'm fixing a secret. (To 
Francis) Give me that piece, Francis, and I'll unravel it. 

Gordon (off stage). Well, I've got to see you. Are you 
alone ? 

Kitty. Yes. 

Gordon (off stage). You are not at all. I heard you 
speak to some one. 

Kitty. Oh, that was only Francis. I don't count him. 

Gordon (ojf stage, furiously). Kitty Campbell, you prom- 
ised me you'd never speak to that idiot again. Are you 
going to open this door? 

Kitty. No, I'm not. (To Francis) How am I ever 
going to get this untangled when you pull it so? 

Francis. Aren't you going to let him in? 

Kitty. No, indeed. He'd only make fun of our plan. 

Francis. But he — he won't like it. Aw — I say, Miss 
Kitty, I — aw — don't want to be impertinent, but — I aw — 
think that boy likes you. I do weally. 

Kitty (in pretended surprise). You donH mean it. What- 
ever put such an idea into your head? 

Francis. It — aw — just occurwed to me. And — aw — he 
might think that you were — aw — er — flirting with aw — ^me — 
you know. 

Kitty (calmly cutting twine). Well, so I am. 

Francis (in open-mouth surprise). You are? 

Kitty. Of course I am. You see, I started it to make 
Dot jealous and then kept it up to pay Gordon back. Better 
wind that up. 

Francis (getting all tangled up in the twine which he has 
heen nervously uncoiling) . And — and you didn't mean — aw 
— anything ? 

Kitty. Not a thing. YouVe been tremendously good 
about it. Played right into my hands like an angel. I don't 



Billy's Bungalow. 4* 

know what I should have done without you. You didn't 
mind, did you? (A slight pause) Why, I never thought 
you'd care. 

Francis. As far as I can see, you nevah thought about 
me at all. 

Kitty. No, I didn't. You see, I'm just wild for Dot and 
Teddy to make up, and Ted won't say a word because he's 
so honorable and all that nonsense. So I made up my mind 
that if Dot could be persuaded to think that we were in- 
terested in each other she'd throw you over and then Teddy 
could sail in. 

(Gordon appears outside of window.) 
Francis. And that's why you were so jolly nice to me all 
the time? 

Kitty. Yes, and you were so good you made it awfully 

Francis. Pardon — me — But— aw— are you engaged to— aw 
— Gordon ? 

Kitty. Oh, dear, no. I'm not going to get engaged for 
ages. Not till I'm twenty at least. But I'm going to have 
my fun all the same. 

Francis. I see. You're going to have your fun. {Talcing 
her hand) Miss Kitty, listen to me. 

Gordon {who has been standing at the window during the 
last few minutes). I thought as much. I just knew what 
your secrets were. {Climbs in through window) And as 
for you {to Francis), what have you got to say for yourself? 
Engaged to one girl and making love to another. Just like 
you Englishmen. 

Kitty {stepping between Francis and Gordon). Gordon, 
be quiet. Francis wasn't making love at all. Never dreamed 
of such a thing. If you really must know, we're making a 
kite. 

Gordon. Nonsense. You don't take rne in so easily. 

Kitty. And we're going to fly it to-night. 

Gordon. Much you are. 

Kitty. And we've written a message and tied it up in 
this bag and somebody will find it and come to our rescue. 

Gordon {contemptuously). Like fun they will. Do you 
suppose that trashy affair {pointing to kite) is going to 
weather this gale. Piffles. It won't go two feet. 

Kitty. It will. I know it will. Why, Gordon, do you 
realize that something has got to be done. Here it is Satur- 
day and not a boat's been near us, thanks to this storm. I 



4« Billy's Bungalow. 

can't say anything to Peggy, for she's nearly wild, but I— I 
can't sleep at night — I — I'm so hungry. 

Gordon. Kit, you don't mean it. (Kitty nods emphati- 
cally) Listen, I've got some good news for you. Promise 
you won't breathe a word of it to a soul. Peggy found a 
box of smoked beef and four potatoes this morning behind 
the flour barrel and we're going to have them for dinner 
to-night. 

Kitty. Oh, goody, goody, goody. Gordon, if you're teas- 
ing, I'll never forgive you. 

Gordon. I'm not teasing. It's the Gospel truth. She 
wants to surprise you, but I just couldn't keep it. 

Francis. Aw — I say — I think I'll twy the kite, if you'll 
excuse me. 

Gordon. Here, wait a minute, English, I'll give you a 
boost. 

.Francis. Thanks, United States, but I — aw — prefer to 
twy it alone, if it's aw — all the same to you. 

Gordon (stiffly turning away). Just as you please. 

Francis (to Kitty as Gordon stalks away). Miss Kitty, 
I — aw — can't bear to think that you are — ^aw — weally hungwy. 
You always seem so bwight and jolly that it never occurwed 
to me that you could — aw — be suffering. 

Kitty. Oh, that's all right. I didn't mean to complain, 
for we're all in the same fix. 

Francis. And — aw — if I don't succeed, you — you'll know 
that I — aw — did my best? 

Kitty. I certainly shall. If she doesn't fly, it won't be 
your fault. 

Francis. Thanks awfully. And — and there's one thing 
more. You'll hear me vewy severely cwiticised to-night. 
They — they'll say some nawsty things, but will you twy not 
to be too hard. Just keep thinking he had to do it. He 
needed stwength. Thanks awfully. Good-bye. (Shakes 
hands with her during this entire speech, then drops her hand 
reluctantly , takes kite and, goes toward door. Stops a second 
at threshold as if ahout to say something, then looks at 
Gordon) ^ _ [EXIT u. l. 

Kitty (looking after him with puzzled frown). I wonder 
what he meant. Wait, I'll call him back and ask him. 
(Starts toward door) 

Gordon (stepping between Kitty and door). No, you 
won't. You're going to stay here and listen to me. I haven't 
seen you alone for ages. 

Kitty (tossing her head). Whose fault is that? 



Billyhs Bungalow. 43 

Gordon. Yours. The way you've kept that mother's pet 
dangling- at your heels is enough to drive a horse to drink. 

Kitty (turning to him quickly). But you forget. 

Gordon (folding his arms and scowling at her). I forget 
nothing. The time has come for you to choose between us. 

Kitty (laughing and counting as children choose for 
games). Eeny, Meeny, Miny, Mo — Catch a 

Gordon (catching her hy the arm). Kitty Campbell, will 
you be serious? 

Kitty. Quoth the raven — " Nevermore." 

Gordon. I see how it is, you don't want to answer me. 
You are afraid. Afraid to confess that you've thrown me 
over for him. That I am nothing to you. Less than nothing. 

Kitty (smiling up into his face archly). If you only 
knew how funny you look when you lose your temper. 

Gordon (throwing her arm roughly froin him and turning 
away). Pshaw, you're a heartless flirt and I'm a fool. 

Kitty (turning to him in surprise and ruhhing her arm). 
Gordon! You — you hurt me. 

Gordon (bitterly). I'm glad of it. 

Kitty. Gordon ! 

Gordon (savagely). Yes, glad. How many times have 
you hurt me? Tell me that. (Turns, sees Kitty sink into 
chair J, put her arm on chair-hach and drop her head upon her 
arm) Why — ^why, Kitty-girl. You're not crying? (Puts 
his hand on her shoulder) 

Kitty (springing up, brushing the bacJc of her hand hastily 
across her eyes). Go away. Do you hear me. I'm tired of 
you and your tempers. 

READY Colonel and Miss Cauldwell to enter u. r. 

Gordon. Kitty, do — do you mean that? 

Kitty. Yes, I do. I never want to see you again. 

Gordon (going to door, then turning on threshold). Very 
well, you won't. I shall go away and I'll never, never come 
back. 

Kitty. I hope you won't. 

Gordon (opening door, then starting hack into room, 
catches Kitty^s hand and runs with her to opposite en- 
trance). Quick, this door. 

Kitty. What's the matter? Who is it? 

Gordon. The Colonel, and she's with him. They've got it 
in for us. Gee. It's locked. (Tries door) We're caught. 
(Pulls Kitty behind screen which he opens) 



44 Billy's Bungalow. 

ENTER Colonel and Miss Cauldwell u. r. 

Col. Where's that young rascal? 

Miss C. {opening a hook she is carrying, reading a line, 
then looking up at Col.) Never mind him now, I want to 
read you something. My dear Colonel, could anything be 
more beautiful than these sentiments : " Two souls with 
but " 

Col. {interrupting her). Now you're talking, Miss Cauld- 
well. Soles. Most delicious morsels ever tasted. I tell you, 
when properly cooked sole is the daintiest dish set before a 
king. 

Miss C. {laughing and closing the hook). Colonel, you're 
so prosaic. Now give me 

CoL. {interrupting her hriskly). Shad. Just what I was 
gomg to say. Nothing like it this side of the Golden Gates. 
Had a darkey once could cook shad. Um-um. By George, 
Miss Cauldwell, you should have tasted Clem's shad. 

Miss C. {holding up hook and sighing). Colonel, I fear 
you don't appreciate these beautiful lines. 

CoL. Indeed I do, Miss Cauldwell. But here's the line 
{taking hold of fishing-rod) that appeals to me more. Worth 
its weight in gold every time. 

Miss C. {leaning forward). Ah, Colonel, but don't you 
ever feel lonely knocking about the world by yourself? 

CoL. {rising, going to fire-place and standing with his hack 
to it). Lonely? Not a bit of it. Tired of one spot, strike 
camp and follow the stream. Happy as the day is long. 

Miss C. But one can't always fish. There must come a 
time 

CoL. {interrupting her hriskly). For shooting. Right 
you are. I tell you, with a gun over your shoulder and a dog 
at your heels. 

Miss C. But surely there is something in the world 
higher, nobler than the society of a mere dog. 

CoL. Yes, ma'am, there's your horse. You never saw my 
hunter ? Absolutely fearless. Not her match in the country. 
And, by George, she's eating her head off while I — I'm stuck 
in this hole. I beg your pardon. 

. Miss C. Not at all. I don't blame you for being provoked. 
Billy and Peggy have been most inconsiderate. 

CoL. Oh, I'm not blaming them. 

Miss C. They're to blame nevertheless. They should not 
have depended upon one boat. Might have known some- 
thing would happen. Now we've got to starve! 



Billy's Bungalow. 45 

Col. Can you keep a secret? 

Miss C. Just try me and see. 

Col. Well, Peggy found a box of smoked beef and some 
other provisions behind the refrigerator, and you'll have 
something beside fish for dinner to-night. 

Miss C. Colonel, you don't mean it? I thought this 
evening while I was dressing that if I had to sit down to 
a fish dinner again to-night I'd die. I don't see how you 
men stand it. 

Col. My chief anxiety has been that the fishing wouldn't 
last. To-day I landed nothing but this. {Takes hottle from 
pocket) 

Miss C. What is it? 

Col. (examining hottle sadly). Bottle I tossed into the 
sea when I first learned of our dilemma — was banking on it 
too. Thought some one would pick it up and come to our 
rescue. Things look pretty black to me now. Can't see 
any way out of our predicament. If this storm would only 
subside. (Goes to window. Looks out) 

Miss C. Colonel, if you lose hope I shall collapse. It's 
your faith in ultimate deliverance that has kept us all up. 
You have been so hopeful and so good-natured, refusing to 
blame any one for all our discomfort. 

Col. But there wasn't anyone to blame. 

KEADY Dot to enter u. r. 

Miss C. Billy is so head-over-heels, but Peggy should 
have known better. It's a woman's place to think of such 
things, A thoughtful wife can save her husband so much. 
Yes, that's what every man needs. A thoughtful wife. 
Don't you agree with me, Colonel? 

Col. I — I don't know, I — I never thought about it. 
Seems to me it's the other way round. Man's place to save 
his wife much as possible. 

Miss C. Oh, Colonel, what an ideal husband you would 
make. 

ENTEK Dot u. r. 

Dot. Cousin Laura, Peggy wishes to speak to you a min- 
ute. 

Col. (mopping his forehead). By George, Narrow escape. 
She most got me that time, Er — if you will excuse me, I'll 
find Billy. ^ [EXIT Col., d. r. 

Miss C. (rising angrily). I do think, Dorothy, that you 
have a most provoking way of bursting into a room, regard- 
less of what other people are saying or doing. 



46 Billy's Bungalow. 

Dot. I beg your pardon. I thought only you and the 
Colonel were here. 

Miss C. Only me and the Colonel indeed. Only me and 
the Colonel. Do you realize that he was on the verge of a 
proposal ? 

Dot. a proposal? The Colonel? Why he didn't look 
proposally a bit. 

Miss C. Look so? How could he. He didn't know he 
was going to propose. But I did. I had just paved the way 
nicely when in you march and spoil everything. Now I 
shall have to begin all over. It's too provoking, where is 
Peggy ? 

Dot. In the kitchen. She's preparing a grand mystery 
for dinner. 

READY Teddy to enter u. l. 

Miss C. Yes, I know. She came across some corned- 
beef and lots of vegetables to-day in the pantry and we're 
going to have something beside fish for dinner. But don't 
let on I told you. It's to be a great surprise. 

Dot. Cousin Laura. Oh, I can't believe it. I've always 
hated fish. Oh, it's too good to be true. 

Miss C. Just you wait till dinner time and you'll find 
out if it's true or not. 

[EXIT u. R. 

Dot. Corned beef. Who'd have thought that the idea 
of corned-beef for dinner could make one so happy. 

ENTER Teddy, carrying lantern and wearing long overcoat 

Teddy (throwing aside laniern in disgust and dropping 
into a chair). Well, it's all up with us. We're doomed. 

Dot. Teddy ! What do you mean ? Why you've been out. 

Teddy. Yes, I've been out. 

Dot. In all this storm? Why? 

Teddy. I knew that the Sound steamer was due to pass 
by here to-night and I 

Dot. The Sound steamer? Why, I didn't know 

Teddy. No one knew. I was going to surprise you all. 
I had it all planned. I determined to signal her, so I 
slipped out with the lantern and for two solid hours I 
waited — waited — waited. 

Dot. And she never oame? 

Teddy. She came— and she passed us by. I did every- 
thing. I waved, I signaled, I fired my rifle, I shouted my- 
self hoarse and all the time the storm raged and— and she 



Billy's Bungalow. 47 

passed us by. Do you realize what that means? I have 
failed — failed. 

Dot. You poor boy. You mustn't take this so to heart. 
(Puts her hand on his shoulder as he sits with his head 
huried in his hands) 

Teddy (lifting his head and looking up at her). Do you 
know that this means we are prisoners for another week? 

Dot. Yes. But you mustn't worry so. We'll get along 
somehow. 

Teddy. But that's just it. We can't hold out another 
week. We are nearly starved now. 

Dot. Hush, Ted, Peggy will hear you. Poor girl we must 
keep up for her sake. She is broken-hearted. 

Teddy (taking her left hand). It's not Peggy Pm think- 
ing about, but you — you. I could stand it for myself, but to 
stand aside and see you suffer. 

Dot. Teddy, you mustn't think about me. 

Teddy (quickly). I oan't help it. I know I should hold 
my tongue but I'm desperate. (Looks at her hand) Dot, 
where's your ring? 

Dot (turning from him). I took it off. 

Teddy. Wny? 

Dot. It — hurt my finger. 

EEADY Billy to enter u. r. 

Teddy. Where is it? 

Dot. I gave it back to Francis. 

Teddy. When? 

Dot. This evening. I think it will fit Kitty better than 
it did me. 

Teddy (joyfully). Then you are free? You are, you are. 
I may speak. I may tell you 

ENTEK Billy d. r. 

Billy. Oh, here you are. I've been looking everywhere 
for you. Where's Kitty? 

Teddy. I don't know. She's somewhere. 

Billy. No, she isn't. I've looked there. 

Teddy. Better look again. 

Billy. No, I think I'll wait here. She's probably flirting 
with Spaulding and I don't want to butt in. If there is any- 
thing I hate it is a man who hasn't sense enough to see 
when he isn't wanted. 

Kitty (h eh hid screen). It isn't so at all. I never did any 
such thing. I don't oare what you say. 



48 Billy's Bungalow. 

Gordon. It isn't what I say. It's what everybody says. 
They're all talking about it. 

Kitty. Let them talk. I don't care a fig how much they 
talk. 

Gordon. You ought to care. You said you'd marry me 
if I succeeded in getting us out of this scrape and while 
I'm working my fingers off 

Kitty. I'm starving to death. I should think you'd be 
ashamed of yourself — A big strong man like you to settle 
down and twiddle your thumbs while 

Gordon. I tell you I'm not twiddling my thumbs. I'm 
working, and planning. 

Kitty. Working — fiddle-sticks. Much work you've done. 

Gordon. Yes, much work I've done while you — you've 
been flirting in a disgracefully underhand fashion 

Kitty. It wasn't underhand. There was nothing under- 
hand about it. You knew I was flirting and so did I. 

Gordon. Yes, but he didn't know it. 

Kitty. He did too. I told him so and he didn't mind — 
very much. He's a gentleman. 

Gordon. Do you mean to insinuate that I'm not? 

Kitty. You certainly are not. You're nothing but a dis- 
agreeable boy with an abominable temper. So there! 

Gordon. And you're a perfect little shrew with the heart 
of a mosquito. (A slap) 

Dot. How long do you suppose they've been there? 

Billy (removing screen). When you two have finished 
expressing your opinions in loud and forcible language I 
should like a word. 

READY Peggy to enter u. r. 

Kitty (turning furiously to Billy). Billy Middleton, how 
dare you? 

Gordon. When a man is having a little argument with 
his best girl I should think you'd have sense enough not to 
butt in. 

Billy. But I think I can say something that would settle 
things peaceably. 

Gordon. We don't want things settled peaceably. Do we 
Kit? 

Kitty. No, we don't. We prefer to fight this out without 
any outside interference. Now you've interrupted us and I 
don't know where we left off. 

ENTER Peggy, u. r. 

Peggy (icith her handl-er chief in one hand and a vegetable 
dish in the other). Billy — Billy, where are you? 



Billy's Bungalow. 40 

Billy. Here, Peggy. What's the matter? 

Peggy. Something terrible has happened. "We've been 
robbed. 

KEADY Col. to enter u. r. 

Billy. Bobbed? Nonsense! 

Peggy. It isn't nonsense at all. Some one has stolen our 
dinner. 

Dot. What? 

Kitty. I don't believe it. 

Peggy. Well, it's true. I had everything ready to serve 
and went into my room to dress. When I came back and 
took up the dishes they were empty. See. {Takes cover off 
dish.) 

Dot. But Peggy, there's no one to take anything. 

Billy. Have you looked everywhere ? Here let me search. 

[EXIT u. R. 
ENTEK Col. u. r. 

Col. What's all the excitement? 
Peggy. Colonel, some one has stolen our dinner. 
Miss C. Peggy, you don't mean that we are not going 
to have anything to eat after all. 
Dot. But who could have taken it? 
Kitty. That's what I say. 

ENTER Billy, u. r. 

Billy. You're right, Peg. There's not a scrap left. Not 
a morsel. 

CoL. But is there nothing in the larder that could be 
used ? 

Billy. There is absolutely nothing in the house but a jar 
of French mustard. 

CoL. (lool'ing about). Where is Spaulding? 

Gordon. That's what I'd like to know. 

Dot. He was here the early part of the evening. 

Miss C. But where is he now? Who saw him last? 

Kitty. T did, and I think you are all perfectly horrid. 
He wouldn't touch your old dinner. 

Billy. You needn't get so excited, Kitty, no one said he 
would. 

Kitty. You all think so, however. 

CoL. You say you saw him last. Where did he go after 
he left you? 

Kitty. He said he was going to fly the kite. 

CoL. Kite? What kite? 



50 Billy's Bungalow. 

Kitty. The one we made. We thought we'd try to send 
a message that way. 

Col. Not such a bad idea. But I saw him coming out 
of the kitchen about half an hour ago and he had no kite 
with him. 

Peggy. What was the last thing he said to you, Kitty? 

Kitty. Why, he said — " You will probably hear some 
pretty nasty things said about me to-night but just keep 
thinking. " He had to do it. He needed strength." Don't 
you remember. {To Gordon) And I wondered what he 
meant ? 

Gordon. Yes, I remember. There's no doubt what he 
meant now. {Doubling his fists) Wait till I get a hold of 
him once. He'll need strength then. 

Peggy. I think he needn't have quite emptied the dishes. 

Kitty. I don't care what you say or what you think, I 
don't believe he's the thief. 

Billy. Well, whether he's guilty or not the fact remains 
that we have nothing for dinner. 

Miss C. And I'm so hungry. 

Teddy. We can't go on this way very long. 

Gordon. Something's got to be done. 

Billy. I see but one way out of our difficulty. 

Col. And that is 

Billy. The cow. 

Col. Cow? What cow? 

Billy. She will keep us alive for another week at least. 

Peggy. Billy, what do you mean? You surely don't in- 
tend to kill old Bess ? 

Billy. Peggy, what else can we do? 

Peggy. I don't know, but you shall never, never kill Bess. 

Billy {aside to Peggy). Listen, Peggy, if we just had 
ourselves to consider we'd starve before we'd sacrifice old 
Bess, but there are our guests. We are responsible for 
them. We have no right to consider our feelings in the 
least. 

CoL. {coming up behind Billy and slapping him on the 
shoulder). That's a foie idea of yours, Middleton. Wonder 
we never thought of it before. 

Gordon. How do you kill a cow. Cut her throat? 

EEADY Francis to enter u. l. 

Teddy. I think you knock her over the head. 

CoL. No, you stab her. Pig-sticking they call it. 

Billy. I think you choke her. I know a rope is always 
used. 



Billyhs Bungalow. 51 

Gordon. I tell you what, I'll shoot ber. Surest way. 

Billy. Here, I'll get my pistol. 

Teddy. Better take my rifle. 

[EXIT Billy and Gordon u. l. 

Peggy {starting to follow them). Oh, they mustn't, they 
mustn't. I can't let them shoot Bess. 

Miss C. {tahing her hy the arm). Peggy, you're so foolish 
about that old cow. You might suppose she was a human 
being. 

Peggy. I can't help it. I love her. 

Miss C. Nonsense. You can't love a cow. 

Peggy. But I do. Dot, go after them. Don't let them 
hurt her. 

(Dot opens door u. l. Prancis stumbles into the room his 
clothes and hair dripping wet. 

Dot. Why, why, Francis! 

Francis. It's all right. She's here. 

Dot. What's here? 

Francis. The — aw — boat. 

Kitty. Boat! What boat? 

Francis. I think it's aw — what you call a smack. A fish- 
ing-smack. 

Dot. a fishing-smack? Where did you find a fishing- 
smack. 

Francis. I aw — think it aw — found me, you know. You 
see I twied to swim to shore and it sort of picked me up. 

Kitty. Swam to shore? You? 

Francis. Didn't quite er — , I didn't quite got there. Fact 
is I don't believe I should have gotten there at all. It was 
farther than I thought. It was weally. So they picked me 
up. 

Miss C. Who picked you up? 

Francis. Sorne aw — fishermen. Vewy wough sort of 
chaps, you know, with a beastly dirty boat. I'm afwaid you 
girls won't exactly like it. So nawsty for your dwesses. 

Peggy, Do you mean to say that you have a boat here? 

Francis. Well, not here exactly. It's aw — at the landing. 
Vewy civil chaps those men, but wough — jolly wough. 

Kitty. Francis, I can't believe my ears. (Sound of shot 
fired off stage. Girls scream) 

Francis. What's that? 

READY men to enter u. l. 

Peggy (covering her ears with her hands). Oh, it's Bess. 
It's Bess, they've killed her. Why didn't we stop them? 



5« Billy's Bungalow. 

Why didn't we? Why didn't we? (Bursts into tears, DoT 
goes to her and tries to comfort her) 

ENTER Billy and Gordon, u. l. 

Gordon. I couldn't do it, Peggy. I tried to, but she looked 
at me and I lost my nerve. We'll trj^ to stick it out for a 
day or two longer — (Catches sight of Francis) By Jove, 
you're just the fellow I want to see. What do you mean 
by 

Peggy (springing in hetween Gordon and Francis). Gor- 
don, be still. Do you know what he's done? He swam to 
shore. 

Col. He did what? 

Francis. Aw — but I didn't get there. It was so jolly far 
you know. It was weally. 

Dot. But he nearly got there and he was picked up by 
some fishermen and he made them bring their boat here and 
it's at the landing. 

Francis. Beastly looking cwaft. Smells so howwid and 
fishey. 

Kitty. Gordon ! 

Gordon. Wait a minute, Kit. (To Francis) Do you 
mean to say that you faced that sea in this storm? 

Francis. Somebody had to do it. Things were in a jolly 
mess here. Why there wasn't a thing in the house to eat. 
There wasn't weally. 

Gordon (holding out his hand). Shake. 

Billy. Look here, we all owe you an apology. We've been 
giving it to you pretty rough to-night. 

Francis. Aw — yes, about that aw — dinner. I was awfully 
sowwy to do it, but you see I had to have something or I 
should never have made it. I shouldn't weally. 

Kitty. Why didn't you tell us what you were going 
to do instead of leaving us to call you all the mean names in 
the dictionary? 

Francis. I couldn't — weally. You see I might not have 
succeeded and then it would have been a bit wough on you 
all. I don't mean that exactly. But — well aw — Miss Fwench 
has a — Thurston, and Miss Kitty — er — Gordon and aw — the 
Colonel, Miss Cauldwell — 

Miss C. Colonel, you told. You promised me to keep it a 
secret. 

Col. Vow I didn't. Never mentioned it. 

Francis. So I knew I wouldn't be missed and 

Gordon. Look here, English, you're a brick and if Kitty 



Billyhs Bungalow. 53 

says the word I'll step aside and you can have your innings 
right now. 

Francis. Thanks awfully, but you see I've got to get to 
the Point and meet my valet. A fellow can't wear the same 
clothes forever. He can't weally. 

Gordon. By Jove! I don't know when you're serious or 
when you're kidding. But you've got sand all right and I 
say three cheers for England. 

Francis. And I pwopose three cheers for United States. 

Teddy. And Billy's Bungalow. 

Gordon {going c). England, United States and Billy's 
Bungalow. {All cheer) Come on, boys. Hurrah! Hurrah 1 
Hurrah ! 

CURTAIN. 



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■WIDOWS PROPOSALS, The. is cents. A farce in i.act.byW. 
p. Felthr. 3 male characters — one impersonating an old woman, which is the lead- 
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giggles will greet its performance from first to last. The author has produced this skit 
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APRIL FOOLS, IS cents. A farce in i act, for 3 male characters, by W. 
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has made "April Fools " of them. No scenery required. 

"WANTED, A MAHATMA. is cents. A comic sketch in I act, 
for 4 male characters, by Gordon V. May. i interior scene. Professor Astralile, a 
fortune-teller, is in bad luck. Squire Babcock offers him a hundred dollars for a 
Mahatma. His friend, Frisby, an adventurer, disguises himself as a Mahatma. 
Squire puts his wallet on table. The temptation is too much for Frisby, who grabs 
the wallet. A struggle — the disguise falls oflF. ^Exposure and escape. 

HOLY TERROR, A* is cents, a farce in I act, by O. Wenlandt. 
4 male characters — either white or black face. Plain room scene or no scene at all. 
Costumes to suit, except that of one character who is rigged out as a howling " swell." 
Plays 30 minutes. Specialties can be introduced according to convenience and talent. 
The piece will make an audience laugh till they're tired. 

WANTED, A CONFIDENTIAL CLERK, is cents. A farce 

in 1 act, by W. F. Chapman. 6 male characters, viz. : eccentric merchant with a 
weakness for proverbs, comic Irishman, " dude," talkative " sport," shabby genteel 
"bummer" and the clerk who gets the situation. No scenery required.^ Time, 
30 minutes. A capital farce with scope for easy character acting, full of ridiculous 
situations, racy dialogue, comical "business" and spirited action. Shows a mer- 
chant's difficulty in securing a satisfactory clerk, and creates unlimited merriment, 

MANAGER'S TRIALS, A. is cents, a farce in i act, by A. L. 
Fisher, for 9 male characters, viz.: theatrical manager, darky servant, "tough," 
dude, stage-struck Dutchman, crushed tragedian, Irish policeman, and 2 comic female 
r61es ("high kicker" and old maid) to be played by male actors. Daniel Slowman 
advertises for a few more people for the " Fly by Night Folly Co." His encounters with 
the various stage-struck applicants who respond will make a mummy laugh. The piece 
is rich in opportunities for easy but telling character acting for 9 boys or young men, 

** MEDICA/* IS cents. A farce in i act, by W. K. Englh. 7 male char- 
acters — 2 darkeys, 5 white faces. Scene, a doctor's office. Costumes to suit. Time, 
35 minutes. Runs with a snap from beginning to end — there isn't a slow part in it — 
and is sure to please. When originally played by the Amphion Minstrels, it elicited 
continuous screams of laughter from a delighted audience. It will bring down the 
house wherever played. 

SNOBSON'S STAG-PARTY, is cents, a farce in X act, by 
Levin C. Tees. 12 male characters, including 2 female impersonators. Parlor 
scene. Runs about i hour if played "straight " ; can be lengthened with "special- 
ties " (which are provided for) according to talent. In giving his party Snobson 
invites the guests at random from the city directory. The guests arrive, including 
two ladies — white and black — who get in by mistake, and a hot old time ensues. 
Finally, Bill Ballotbox comes in with a brass band and a political delegation, and the 
fun culminates in a regular war dance. The cast includes a crusty old gent, gay 
youth, "coon," Dutchman, Irishman, Dago, Cockney, wench, Irishwoman, tough 
citizen, crushed tragedian, ward politician. The piece will fetch incessant roars of 
laughter, and can be made the medium of all kinds of " specialties." 

MISCHIEVOUS BOB, is cents. A comic drama in i act, for 6 male 
characters. Plain room scene. Time, 40 minutes. A taking farce for boys, marked 
by a serious, and even pathetic, as well as comic interest. The characters are true 
to nature, and the moral gilded with genuine humor. Bob should be played by 9, 
small boy ; the size of the others is unimportant. 



GOLDEN GULCH 

A DRAMA IN THREE ACTS 

By CHARLES TOWNSEND 

PRICE 25 CENTS 

Eleven male, three female characters, including a gentleman outlaw, a 
scout, a hotel landlord, a pugilist, a Western tough, a sly Chinaman, a 
cullud politician, a Jew peddler, a sanctimonious reformer, a Western mad- 
cap girl, a strong-minded woman and a Yankee old maid. Time of playing, 
2%. hours. The action is in the Wild West, with wide diversity of char- 
acters and dramatic incident, and requiring only two easily staged scenes. 

SYNOPSIS OF INCIDENTS. 

Act I. — The Golden Gulch hotel. A musical Chinaman. "Annie 
Rooney." The festive dude and the negro politician. The Jew peddler. 
Gentleman George makes a purchase. Jess and the outlaw. Frank and 
Naggle compare notes. Old acquaintances. A warning. The dude on his 
muscle. The card-sharper. The tract distributor. The game begins. Frank 
takes a hand. "Hands up! I hold a trump card!" "I hold another!" 

Act II. — Among the hills. Time, the next morning. Ireland and Africa 
at war. A big scare, and nobody hurt. The missionary makes a trial. 
"Big fool! Wah!" The false message. The robbery. Old Ikejr in the 
toils. The dude investigates and strikes a hard customer. A villainous 
scheme. The accusation of murder, "Stand back! It's my turn now!" 

Act III. — At the hotel, one hour later. Active prohibition. Toots and 
O'Gooligan on a bender. The Chinese way. The smashed up missionary. 
Toots makes an offer. Frank a prisoner. Judge O'Gooligan opens court. 
Getting a jury. The judge presents the case. Some tough evidence. The 
verdict. The end of "Gentleman George." Finale. 



^he JjilL mRD 

^ A DRAMA IN FIVE ACTS 
By CHARLES TOWNSEND 

PRICE 25 CENTS 

Seven male, two female characters. Leading juvenile man, character 
heavy, comedy, low comedy, walking gentleman, utility man. Leading lady, 
old woman comedy, soubrette. Time of playing, 2j^ hours. New in treat- 
ment, arousing sympathy and merriment throughout. No difficult scenes. 

SYNOPSIS OF INCIDENTS. 

Act I. — Scene, a room in Isaacs' concert hall. The detective and the 
crook. A profitable deal. Donovan and Isaacs compare notes. The counter- 
feit money. Matt and Donovan. Jennie. Homeless and friendless. The 
insult. The Jew learns a lesson. Arrested. 

Act II. — Time, two years later. Scene, Jennie Foster's rooms in Mrs. 
Babbleton's lodging house. Matt's letter. Matt's arrival. Prison experi- 
ence. Bob "blows in." A specimen of the New York "kid." Matt refunds 
the money. Denham, the broker. Sunshine ahead. 

Act III. — A lapse of six months. Scene, ante-room in Denham's office. 
Matt s advice. Mrs. Babbleton investigates. Darby's discovery. Donovan 
in hot water. A cunning rascal. Discharged. 

Act IV. — Six months later. Scene, the concert hall again. Planning 
a robbery. The last chance. Husband and wife. Jennie's faith. Bob 
on a "bender." The swindlers. Hunted down. Matt's desperation. 
Matt s cunning. Foiled! Striking tableau. 

Act V. — Half an hour later. Scene, Denham's office. Darby speaks 
his mind. Laying the train. Matt asserts himself. A thrilling struggle. 
Victory! Finale. 



THE STEEL KING 

COMEDY-DRAMA IN FOUR ACTS 
By HORACE C. DALE 

PRICE 25 CENTS 

Five male, four female characters, consisting of a factory owner, a 
lawyer, two mechanics, a rascally negro, an old woman clairvoyant, two 
girls, policeman, etc. Time of playing, 2% hours. A story of strife and 
lawlessness, hatred and hypnotism. Can be played with the scenery in any 
hall. 

SYNOPSIS OF INCIDENTS. 

Act I. — The dynamite bomb. A test of will power. A labor champion, 
a remedy for grievances. An appeal. Explanation. "I go downtown if 
it means to my death." "You shall not." 

Act II. — Hatred and vengeance. Will power prevails. Henry assaulted. 
The two spies. The mob's attack. Heroic sacrifice. Rescue. 

Act III. — Appeal for mercy. Attempted bribe. "Your arm is paralyzed." 

Act IV. — The attack. Overpowered. The retreat. Startling revelations. 
Restitution. 



THE GYPSY QUEEN 

A DRAMA IN FOUR ACTS 

By HORACE C. DALE 
PRICE 25 CENTS 

Five male, three female characters. Heavy character man and four 
comedy characters. The Gypsy Queen, and two walking ladies. Time of 
playing, aj^ hours. Startling situations, i interior and i exterior scenes. 

SYNOPSIS OF INCIDENTS. 

Act I. — An angry father's demand. A feminine device. Joe and Inez. 
The gathering storm. A daughter's defiance. The Gypsy Queen. 

Act II. — An early visitor. One month later. Caught napping. Holt 
in the soup. Inez and Dora. The wedding march. Euchered. 

Act III. — The roll call. A knave's compact. Love versus duty. The 
lovers' meeting. A murderous assault. Tricked again. 

Act IV. — An April shower. Revelations of the past. Brought to judg- 
ment. A novel marriage. Crowning of the Queen. 




LIBRARY OF CONGRESS 

^SSS^SSSSSS^iS^SSSSS^S^^SSS^SSSSSSi 016 102 821 6 

COMEDIES AND DRAMAS 

25 CENTS EACH 

M. P. 

BREAKING HIS BONDS. 4Act6;2hours 6 3 

BUTTERNUT'S BRIDE. 3 Acts; 2i^ hours 11 6 

COLLEGE CHUMS. 3 Acts; 2 hours; 1 Stage Setting 9 3 

COUNT OF NO ACCOUNT. 3 Acts ; 2}4 hours 9 4 

DEACON. 5 Acts; 2)4 hours. ." 8 6 

DELEGATES FROM DENVER. 2 Acts; 45 mum tes 3 10 

DOCTOR BY COURTESY. 3 Acts; 2 hours 6 5 

EASTSIDERS, The. 3 Acts; 2 hours; 1 Stage Setting 8 4 

ESCAPED FROM THE LAW. 5 Acts; 2 hours 7 4 

GIRL FROM PORTO RICO. 3 Acts; 2}^ hours 5 3 

GYPSY QUEEN. 4 Acts; 2]4 hours 5 3 

IN THE ABSENCE OF SUSAN. 3 Acts; IJ^ hours 4 6 

JAILBIRD. 5 Acts; 21^ hours 6 3 

.JOSIAH'S COURTSHIP. 4Acts;2hour8 7 4 

MY LADY DARRELL. 4 Acts; 2i^ hours 9 6 

MY UNCLE FROM INDIA. 4 Acts; 2i^ hours 13 4 

NEXT DOOR. 3Act8;2hour8 5 4 

PHYLLIS'S INHERITANCE. 3 Acts; 2 hours 6 9 

REGULAR FLIRT. 3 Acts; 2 hours 4 4 

ROGUE'S LUCK. 3Act8;2hour8 5 3 

SQUIRE'S STRATAGEM. 5 Acts ; SJ^ hours 6 4 

STEEL KING. 4 Acts; 2}^ hours 5 3 

WHAT'S NEXT? 3 Acts; 23^ hours ^. 7 4 

WHITE LIE. 4Act8; 2}^ hours 4 3 



WESTERN PLAYS 

25 CENTS EACH 

ROCKY FORD. 4Acts;2hourB 8 

GOLDEN GULCH. 3 Acts; 214 hours 11 

RED ROSETTE. 3Acts;2hours 6 

MISS MOSHER OF COLORADO. 4 Acts; 2U hours ... 5 

STUBBORN MOTOR CAR. 3 Acts; 2 hours; 1 Stage Setting 7 

CRAWFORD'S CLAIM. (15 cents.) 3 Acts; 2^ hours. 9 




DICK & FITZGERALD, Publishers, 18 Ann Street, N. Y. 



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